All posts by mikeshumor
Humor – September 25
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
One Liner
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Humor – September 24
A surgeon was invited to Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house.
The host deftly carved the turkey and said, “I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”
The surgeon replied: “Anybody can take it apart. Let’s see you put it back together again.”
One Liner
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can’t be blamed on somebody else.
Humor – September 23
A retired couple are sitting together at home, getting cuddly; he takes off his glasses & moves closer.
She: “Sweetie, without your glasses, you still look like that handsome young man I married.”
He: “Well, Honey, without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!”
[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]
One Liner
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.
Humor – September 22
The flight attendant watched a passenger try to stuff his hopelessly overloaded bags into the overhead bin. Finally she informed him that he would have to check the oversize luggage.
“When I fly other airlines,” he said irritably, “I never have this problem!”
She smiled and said, “Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don’t have this problem either.”
One Liner
Caution: On diet. Hungry. May bite if provoked!!
Humor – September 21
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”
One Liner
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Galatians 1:10
humor pic of the week
Humor – September 18
We took the family to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table.
When I returned, I found my 11-year-old daughter staring at a poster of Superman, standing in a phone booth. She looked puzzled.
“She doesn’t know who Superman is?” I whispered to my husband.
“Worse,” he replied. “She doesn’t know what a phone booth is.”
One Liner
After the Sunday school teacher told the story of the Prodigal Son to the class, she asked, “Was anyone sorry when the Prodigal Son returned?”
One boy answered, “The fatted calf.”
Humor – September 17
One year, Little Johnny’s family was having the extended family 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they’re illegal in their state, of course!).
Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor’s plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic – they even had extra food to bring. “Sure, the more the merrier!”
Upon arrival and meeting their cousin’s neighbor, it is discovered that he’s a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Little Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly.
Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back – just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
They head out to the back as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”
“Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!”
One Liner
One day soon YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together. It will be called YouTwitFace.
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