While driving down in Texas, a guy hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. He felt bad and tracked down the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. 

He asked him what the calf was worth and said she would pay for it. “Oh, about $200 today,” replied the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $1,000. So $1,000 is what I知 out.”  

The guy went back to his car, wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Okay,” he said, “Here is the check for $1,000. It’s postdated six years from now.”  

One Liner
Not to brag, but I still wear the same size socks and same size watch as I did in high school.

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!” 

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side. From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

One Liner
I don’t repeat gossip, so listen carefully…

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. 

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’ 

One Liner
“Save the earth…..It’s the only planet with chocolate!” 🙂 

    A little old man was escorted into the witness box. After being sworn in the lawyer asked him to explain what happened. After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case, 
    “…and then she hit me with the maple leaf.” 
    “Surely that couldn’t have caused you any serious injury” said the lawyer. 
    “Are you kidding?” exclaimed the old man. “It was the leaf from the center of our dining room table.” 

One Liner
“How did you extract a wallet from that man’s pocket without his knowing it?” asked the judge. 
“My fee is $500.00 for the full course of ten lessons, your honor.” 

I hate the idea of going under the knife. So I was very upset when the doctor told me I needed a tonsillectomy. 

Later, the nurse and I were filling out an admission form. I tried to respond to the questions, but I was so nervous I couldn’t speak. The nurse patted my hand and said, “Don’t worry. This medical problem can easily be fixed, and it’s not a dangerous procedure.” 

“You’re right. I’m being silly,” I said, “please continue.” 

“Good,” the nurse went on, “Now, do you have a living will?” 

One Liner
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain …. all on the bottom shelf. 

Little Johnny came running into the house after the school one day, shouting, “Daddy! Daddy! I got 100 in school today!”

“That’s great, Son!” said his daddy.

“Come into the living room and tell me about it,” Daddy continued.

Little Johnny said, “Well, I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math and 20 in science.”

Today he represents us in Congress.

One Liner
Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded fire station?

A man dies. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter. “That’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“Two points!?!!” Exasperated, the man cries, “At this rate it’ll just be by the grace of God that I ever get into heaven.”

“Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!”

One Liner
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.