THINGS I’VE SEEN IN TEXAS

~ A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

~ There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Texas

~ There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Texas .

~ If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.

~ There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.

~ Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you’re two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

~ “Backwards and forwards” means “I know everything about you.”

~ The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning, ‘Did you eat?’

~ You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is. You work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see

~ You measure distance in minutes.

~ You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

~ You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and Ketchup.

~ The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for high school football.

~ You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

~ Fried catfish is the other white meat.

One Liner
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Thought for the day
Proverbs 18:9 says, “Slack habits and sloppy work are as bad as vandalism” (The Message). The Living Bible translates the verse this way: “A lazy person is as bad as someone who destroys things”.

God considers it a serious sin when we don’t give a full day’s work for a full day’s pay. Even if no one else at work gives their all, followers of Jesus should.

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18”: “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

One liner
The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think. The Bible says we are “transformed” by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2)

Kitty Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray this cushy life to keep.
I pray for toys that look like mice,
And sofa cushions, soft and nice.
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks,
And someone nice to scratch my back,
For windowsills all warm and bright,
For shadows to explore at night.
I pray I’ll always stay real cool
And keep the secret feline rule
To NEVER tell a human that
The world is really ruled by CATS!

One Liner
He who throws mud loses ground.

Thought for the day
“God paid a great price for you. So use your body to honor God.” (1 Corinthians 6:20 CEV)

We don’t serve God out of guilt or fear or even duty, but out of joy, and deep gratitude for what he’s done for us. We owe him our lives.  

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant he said,

“Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?”

The attendant said, “So you can kiss your luggage good-bye

One Liner
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

Thought for the day
“Our love for each other proves that we have gone from death to life.” (1 John 3:14 CEV)

If I have no love for others, no desire to serve others, and I’m only concerned about my needs, I should question whether Christ is really in my life. A saved heart is one that wants to serve.

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

“Look, honey,” one man said to his wife. “Here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One LINER
You know that distant cousin of mine? The more distant the better.

Thought for the day
“Even Gentiles, who do not have God’s written law, show that they know His law when they instinctively obey it, even without having heard it” (Romans 2:14 NLT).

They demonstrate that God’s law is written in their hearts, for their own conscience and thoughts either accuse them or tell them they are doing right”.

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One LINER
~ Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Thought for the day
Psalm 8:2
From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise

Our function as humans is to glorify God!