RESULTS GET REWARDED
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter says to this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed.”

One LINER
~ An apology is a good way to have the last word.

Thought for the day
Matthew 22:37-39
Love the Lord you God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.

Christian life can be boiled down to two principles: love God with everything I am and have, and love others! Not too hard to understand. I guess it’s living it that is the challenge!

“Where’s my Sunday paper?!” the irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Ma’am,” said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.”

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition, as she was heard to mutter, “Well, that’s why no one was at church today!”

One LINER
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Thought for the day
Psalm 119:130
The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

Sometimes the right path is not so difficult to find, we just need to know where to begin our search — the reading of God’s words.

During a visit to the retirement home, I asked the director, “How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?”

“Well,” said the Director, “We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

One LINER
Why do you turn the radio down in the car when you’re looking for a street address?

Thought for the day
I Peter 4:12-13
Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

If we bear the name of Christ then don’t be surprised at your suffering! Just remember that glory is just around the corner – so press on for Christ!!

”Dentist Extras”
The Millers were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No expensive extras, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Miller turned to his wife…

“Show him your tooth, Honey.”

One LINER
During a recent company password audit, it was found that a certain air-head was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy. When asked why such a big password, the employee said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

Thought for the day
John 18:36
Jesus said, “My kingdom is not of this world. If it were, my servants would fight to prevent my arrest by the Jews. But now my kingdom is from another place.”

Being a part of His kingdom is knowing God.

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, “That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?”

The man replied, “All I can think of is that about four months ago, my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious…hollandaise sauce! I love it so much now that I put it on everything — meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything!”

The dentist said, “Well, that’s probably it. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It’s eaten away your upper plate. I’ll have to make you a new one, and this time, I’ll use chrome”

“Why chrome?” asked the patient.

“It’s simple,” said the dentist. “Everyone knows there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.”

One LINER
The two best times to keep your mouth shut are when you’re swimming and when you’re angry.

Thought for the day 
1 Peter 3:18
Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit.

Christ’s death is a great reminder that death is a matter of perspective and faith. I believe God raised Jesus from the dead.   HE IS ALIVE

The preacher was made aware that he had a deacon in his church who was from time to time known to cuss.

In his attempt to help the deacon overcome this terrible habit, the preacher decided he should spend some personal time with the deacon so they could have a long talk about the problem. The preacher decided to ask the deacon to go fishing, thinking that might provide an opportunity to talk.

They were out in a boat and had their lines in the water when the preacher hooked a big one. It put up a mighty fight, but finally he reeled the fish up to the edge of the boat. It was the biggest fish the preacher had ever caught. But, just as the minister started to pull his catch into the boat, the fish slipped off the hook and got away.

Thoroughly disgusted, the preacher looked over and said, “Deacon, somethin’ needs to be said here!”

One LINER
“Some can trace their family back 300 years, but can’t tell you where their children are tonight.”   – Lawrence Brotherton

Thought for the day 
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Don’t tell me what you think but what He already knows – Trust Him!!