Teacher (frustrated): “Look at this paper. How could one person make so many mistakes?”

Student (defensive): “It wasn’t one person – my dad helped!”

One LINER
After thousands of years, we have advanced to the point where we bolt our doors and windows and turn on our burglar alarms, while the jungle natives sleep in open-door huts…

Thought for the day
“A wise man thinks ahead; a fool doesn’t and even brags about it!” (Proverbs 13:16 LB).

Too often, many of our problems arise from acting before thinking. We confuse activity with productivity. We think, “I’m so busy, I must be accomplishing something!” In reality, we may just be spinning our wheels.

Work Confusion

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.

The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn’t understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, “I appreciate how hard you’re both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, “The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today.”

One LINER   
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. – George Burns

Thought for the day
Psalm 34:1
“I will praise the Lord at all times.”

In the good, bad, ugly, sun, rain, dark, light, sad, glad, mountain top, valley, night, sickness, health, snow, hail, at all times!!  I’m praising Him today!!

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “Why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man. “My father wouldn’t approve.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said. “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him.”

One LINER   
When everything’s coming your way, You’re in the wrong lane.

Thought for the day 
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.

We are God’s temple! He lives in us and what we do in our bodies is part of our worship to Him. We are called to glorify God in our bodies.

Cross Country Move

When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked, “How will we keep from getting separated?”

“We’ll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other,” I reassured him.

“Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?” he persisted.

“Well, then I guess we’ll never see each other again,” I quipped.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m riding with Mom.”

One LINER
Have a nice day…someplace else!

Thought for the day 
My eyes are ever on the Lord …. Psalm 25:15

My eyes are ever on the Lord – not on power, prestige, possessions or pleasure!

Mother’s Dictionary 

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Sterilize: what you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Verbal: able to whine in words

Weekend: when Dad gets to play golf while Mom catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.

One Liner
A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie

Thought for the day
But if we live in the light, as God is in the light, we can share fellowship with each other. Then the blood of Jesus, God’s Son, cleanses us from every sin. If we say we have no sin, we are fooling ourselves, and the truth is not in us. 1 John 1:7–8 (NCV)

Authentic fellowship is not superficial, surface-level chit-chat. It’s genuine, heart-to-heart, sometimes gut-level, sharing.

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs.  He explained this to a man who answered one door.

“How much will you charge to paint my porch?” asked the man.

“Forty dollars.”

“Fine” said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

“All done!”, he says, and collects his money.  “By the way,” the student says, “That’s not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari.”

One Liner
“Anger is only one letter short of danger.”

Thought for the day
It is he who saved us and chose us for his holy work, not because we deserved it but because that was his plan. 2 Timothy 1:9 LB

You were saved to serve God. God redeemed you so you could do his “holy work.” You’re not saved by service, but you are saved for service. In God’s kingdom, you have a place, a purpose, a role, and a function to fulfill. This gives your life great significance and value.

The Dentist’s Hymn: Crown Him With Many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor’s Hymn: The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn: There is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn: Standing On The Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn: Open My Eyes That I May See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn: I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn: Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn: Send Out Thy Light
The Shopper’s Hymn: Sweet By And By

One Liner
How do you throw away your old garbage cans?

Thought for the day
…worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness.   (1 Chronicles 16:29)

He is worthy of worship. He is the Creator of the world. There is no other name above His name.  Has there been a time in your life when you let something else take first place in your life? (i.e., power, prestige, pleasure, pay check, etc.)

Hymns to sing when driving:

45 mph: God Will Take Care Of You
55 mph: Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph: Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph: Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph: This World Is Not My Home
95 mph: Lord, I’m Coming Home
Over 100 mph: Precious Memories

One Liner
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your kids.

Thought for the day
“When Esther’s servants told her what Mordecai was doing, she was deeply disturbed.” Esther 4:4 (TEV)

Make a list of the needs that disturb you and then do something about it.