A three-year-old found his dad’s military identification tag and asked his mother what it was.

His mother replied, “It’s your father’s dog tag.”

The child then asked, “When was daddy a dog?”

One LINER
“Bad habits are like a comfortable bed, easy to get into, but hard to get out of.” – Anonymous

Thought for the day
Acts 24:24-25 Several days later Felix came with his wife Drusilla, who was a Jewess. He sent for Paul and listened to him as he spoke about faith in Christ Jesus.  As Paul discoursed on righteousness, self‑control and the judgment to come, Felix was afraid and said, “That’s enough for now! You may leave. When I find it convenient, I will send for you.”

Paul spoke for Christ no matter where he was – here in prison he spoke for Christ before the Governor and his wife.  Knowing full well the Governor could release him – yet Paul still focused on sharing the gospel and not thinking of himself.  Who are we focused on today?

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in Southern Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, “Do you have a license to catch those fish?”

“Naw, ma fren, I ain’t got none of dem, no. Dese here are my pet fish.”

“Pet fish?”

“Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim ’round for a while. Den I whistle and dey jump rat back inta dis here ice chest and I take dem home.”

“That’s a bunch of hooey! Fish can’t do that!”

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, “It’s de truth ma’ fren. I’ll show you. It really works.”

“Okay, I’ve GOT to see this!”

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, “Well?”

“Well, what?” Said the Cajun.

“When are you going to call them back?”

“Call who back?”

“The FISH!”

“What fish?”

One LINER
“I don’t make jokes, “Will Rogers once said truthfully. “I just watch the government and report the facts.”

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life as God helps you make healing choices.

Someone Must Labor

During a stay with grandparents, my five-year-old niece Michaela pulled corn on a neighbor’s farm for the first time. Her grandparents used the experience as a teaching tool, explaining to Michaela that the corn was God’s blessing to them.

At first, the work was great fun, but after only a few minutes Michaela looked at her grandmother and commented, “You know you can buy this in the grocery store, don’t you?”

One LINER
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Thought for the day
“It is God himself who has made us what we are and given us new lives from Christ Jesus; and long ages ago he planned that we should spend these lives in helping others” (Ephesians 2:10 LB).

God calls you to a service far beyond anything you could ever imagine. You were put on earth to make a contribution.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy — Either way, you get your dog back!”

One LINER
Don’t insult the alligator until after you cross the river.

Thought for the day
“Work hard at living in peace with others” (1 Peter 3:11 NLT).

It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to agree about everything. Reconciliation focuses on the relationship, while resolution focuses on the problem. When we focus on reconciliation, the problem loses significance and often becomes irrelevant.

Throughout the centuries, mothers have been giving their children plenty of good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:  (part 2)

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”

HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”

BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you’re starting to look a little purple.”

BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?”

GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”

LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders around here!”

JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.”

SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?”

MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”

One Liner
“Pumpkin Math”

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it’s diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him . . . in order that you might be useful in the service of God” (Romans 7:4 TEV).

Your call to salvation included your call to service. They are the same. Regardless of your job or career, you are called to full-time Christian service. A “non-serving Christian” is a contradiction in terms.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. (Her previous 3 husbands had passes away.) The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

One Liner
Every golf shot makes somebody happy.

Thought for the day
“This will continue until we are . . . mature, just as Christ is, and we will be completely like him” (Ephesians 4:13 CEV).

Spiritual maturity is neither instant nor automatic; it is a gradual, progressive development that will take the rest of your life as God helps you make healing choices.

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asks.

“115,” I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”

“5 foot 8,” I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5’5″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“OF COURSE IT’S HIGH!” I scream, “When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”

One Liner 
A cabbie is a fare-minded person.

Thought for the day
Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6 (NLT)

The fact is bad things happen to good people. What David is teaching us is that God can take bad, evil, and difficult situations and bring something good out of them.

FOR WOMEN ONLY
~ Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

~ Women over 50 don’t have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~ One of life’s mysteries is how a 2 lb. box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

One Liner
He who lives in a glass house should not invite in he who is without sin.

Thought for the day
Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God — this is your true and proper worship”

The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can choose to crawl off the altar. We do this all the time. We offer ourselves to God, and then we take ourselves back. This is not a once-for-all offer. You’ve got to do it four, five, or maybe 10 times a day!