Bernie was invited to his elderly friend’s home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, “That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.”

Morris hung his head and whispered,” To tell you the truth, I forgot her name three years ago.”

One Liner
Top Ten Reasons to Procrastinate:
1.

Thought for the day
Mark 2:27, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath”

God created this idea of you taking a day off every seven days for rest, recreation, worship, and restoration. It’s his idea, and it’s for your own benefit so you don’t burn out.

“Out of Gas”

After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn’t start because it was out of gas.

A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.

The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn’t open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger’s gas tank.

Wearily I walked back to the station.

“You know,” the attendant suggested helpfully, “instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here.”

One Liner
Biblical newspaper headline: ‘Job outlook dismal’.

Thought for the day
“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2

If you want to experience lasting change in your life, you need to refocus your mind.

The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know?”

“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re just bad luck.”

One LINER
God must work in you before God can work on you!!

Thought for the day
“I do not run like one who runs aimlessly.”   I Corinthians 9:26

Every follower of Christ should make it his or her aim to please Christ!   To accomplish this you will need to set some spiritual goals in all areas of your life.

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

“Buffy,” she said, “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!”

“Yeah,” said Buffy, “So did I.”

One LINER
“I could enjoy my second childhood more if I was able to peddle my tricycle a little faster.”

Thought for the day  
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Two things are vital for this to be a part of our lives. First, we must trust God to meet our needs.   Second, we expect the power of the Holy Spirit to bless us and empower us with God’s qualities.

Bad Facts

These responses actually appeared on real science tests:

“The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.”

“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”

“H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.”

“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”

“The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.”

—”Strange World,” Campus Life, Vol. 56, no. 2. 

One LINER
Why do you turn the radio down in the car when you’re looking for a street address?  You do it too – huh!!!

Thought for the day
Colossians 3:12
As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.

“Ever wonder what you need to wear to each day?” Paul reminds us that there is a set of clothing that is always in style. So go get dressed for the life!

Little Jennie, age six, proudly told her mother that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

“How did that happen?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

One LINER
Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses.

Thought for the day
“When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?'” (John 5:6 NIV).

The question lingers for you: Do you really want to be healed?

In the scripture above and in life stands the Great Healer holding out help, acutely aware that we can’t, but God can, knowing this to be true because he was on a mission that would provide the only way we can be re-created whole and healthy. Jesus was on the road to Calvary.

“Lawyer Jury”

A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial.

It was nearly 4 p.m.and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, “Well have they got a verdict yet?”

The bailiff shook his head and said, “Verdict? They’re still doing nominating speeches for the foreman’s position!”

One LINER
“The real problem is not why some pious, humble, believing people suffer, but why some do not.” – C.S. Lewis

Thought for the day 
“Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on …” (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).

Forget the past and focus on the future. Your past is past! It’s water under the bridge. You can’t change it so you may as well stop worrying about it

You Might be a Preacher if….

– You’ve ever dreamed you were preaching only to awaken and discover you were
– You’re leading the church into the 21st century, but you don’t know what you’re preaching on Sunday
– You’ve ever wondered why people couldn’t die at more appropriate times
– Instead of getting “ticked off,” you get “grieved in your spirit.”
– You’ve ever been tempted to take an offering at a family reunion
– You’ve ever wanted to “lay hands” on a deacon’s neck.
– Everybody stops talking when you enter the room.
– You’ve ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
– You’ve ever stretched the truth at a funeral.
– You’d rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
– You’ve seen more religion at a pool hall than you’ve seen at a Church Softball Game.
– Your Bible has more side notes than printed text.  

One LINER
“A Florida man recently called 911 twice because his Italian Subway was missing its sauce.” – (Source: Newsweek, 8/18/08)

Thought for the day   
Romans 8:29 (Msg)
God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him.

You were created to become like Christ