A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients bedsides.
When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”
One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”
One Liner
There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is, once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.
It’s not a cat it’s…
> A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
> A wildlife control expert impersonator.
> An un-programmable animal.
> A four footed allergen.
> A hair relocation expert.
> A treat-seeking missile.
> A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
> A small, furry lap fungus.
One Liner
I’m going to donate these bags of old clothes to Goodwill, but first I’m going to drive around with them in my trunk for 4 months.
A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.
Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
“Time for service.”
One Liner
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent’s hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Does my house have everything your ad says it does?”
The agent said, “It certainly does. Why do you ask?”
Bill replied, “Cancel the sale. It’s exactly what I’m looking for.”
One Liner
I finally watched the documentary about clocks. It was about time.
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my granddaughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”
“Exactly,” I replied.
One Liner
Telling someone to calm down is like baptizing a cat.
A herd of buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen.”
One buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know…I think I just heard a discouraging word.”
One Liner
If you tear a hole in a net, you have fewer holes than you started with.
