I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions.

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.

Completed my 8k run.

Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.

Sorry, I don’t remember the rest of the dream.

One Liner

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The cowpoke at the dude ranch was getting the crowd to pick the type horse they wanted.  

“For those seasoned riders, we have fast horses. For you novice riders, we have slow horses.”  

A city slicker spoke out, “What if you’ve never ridden a horse?”  

The cowpoke said,  “Great. For you who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden, as well.”

One Liner

Love thy neighbor – sell thy drums. 

DOG’S NOTES TO SELF

~  I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. 

~  The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps. 

~  My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 

~  I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration. 

~  I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. 

~  I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option just after getting a bath. 

~  Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. 

~  I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 

~  The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner. 

~  The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

One Liner

I learned today why Corrie Ten Boom changed her name. She got tired of introducing herself as Corrie Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom.

A guy shows up late for work. 

The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” 

He replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

One LIner

As you get older, you’ve got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

One Liner

Anyone who doesn’t know what shampoo tastes like has never bathed a dog.