NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2025…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024 which I should have done in 2023 because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021.

~ What does a pirate decorate his tree with? Gaaarrrrrland.

~ What do skunks sing at Christmas? Jingle Smells

~ What do you get if you cross an archer with gift wrap? Ribbon Hood

~ What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

~ Why was the computer so quiet on Christmas Eve? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

~ What is green, covered with tinsel, and goes ribbet ribbet? Mistle-toad!

~ What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations? Tinsilitis

~ What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

~ Where does Frosty, the Snowman, keep his money? In a snowbank.

~ When you open your credit card statements this January you will be warmly greeted: “I am the ghost of Christmas presents!”

~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!

~ How much did Santa pay for his sled? Nothing, it was on the house.

~ Why didn’t the wise men stop to water their camels? No well.

One Liner

I know. I know. People say, “It’s the thought that counts, not the gift,” but couldn’t people think a bit bigger?!

At my friends’ wedding reception, the groom stood to say a few words. He turned to his bride’s mother. “You’ve given me a gift,” he began, “a gift that…”

Here he paused with emotion, whereupon his mother-in-law completed the sentence, “That you can’t return!”

One Liner

Man blames fate for other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.

Stocking stuffers

One Christmas my husband put an assortment of beauty products in my stocking. I tried one of the facial masks, and was about to wash it off when my eight-year-old son, Callum, walked in. I explained to him that it was a present from his dad and it would make me beautiful.

He patiently waited by my side as I rinsed and patted my face dry.

“Well, what do you think?” I asked.

“Oh, Mom, it didn’t work!” Callum replied.

The Christmas Dinner

Young Jessica always wanted a dog for Christmas. She asked Santa at the mall, and she even put it on her wish list. When Christmas came, her mom handed her a huge box with holes. Excited, Jessica ripped it open, only to be disappointed to find a little potbelly pig.

Then Jessica asked her mom, “Why did Santa get me a pig?” From the kitchen, her dad yelled, “Oh, that’s my fault.”

“Why?” Jessica asked. Her father replied, “I asked Santa for a Christmas ham.”