A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Hawaii.

He sent an email to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. 

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

One Liner

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”

One Liner

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. 

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. 

“Strike one!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” 

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. 

“Strike two!” he cried. 

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” 

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. 

“Strike three!” 

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest PITCHER in the world!”

One Liner

I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll own the whole set.

A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There’s a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. 

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”  

One Liner

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls!

John went to a psychiatrist: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” 

“How much do you charge?” John asked warily.

“Each visit is $300,” replied the doctor.

“Well, I’ll sleep on it.”

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?”

“Well, three hundred bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!”

“Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

One Liner

The number of people older than you will never increase.