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About mikeshumor

Michael May is the blogger of #mikeshumor. He is a Christ follower, husband, dad, XPastor, cyclist, cereal connoisseur, former Meridian Star paperboy. I would unfollow myself if I could. Roll Tide! View all posts by mikeshumor →

Humor – September 23

September 23, 2024humormikeshumor

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience.

Next was a job in a shoe factory – I tried but I just didn’t fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!

One Liner

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am literally doing nothing.

Proverbs 4:14-15

humor pic of the week

Humor – September 20

September 20, 2024humormikeshumor

THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start
to itch. (Law of Itchiban)

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Incuranctions So Sorry Law)

3. When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it’s exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

5. The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly
proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell’s Scoop)

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of O’golly Gee!)

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.
(The Hair-Wind Principal)

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Irreversibility)

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and
if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won’t come out
alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

One Liner

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Humor – September 19

September 19, 2024humormikeshumor

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

Humor – September 18

September 18, 2024humormikeshumor

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

One Liner

Which letter is silent in “scent” — the C or the S?

Humor – September 17

September 17, 2024humormikeshumor

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used with a man as part of a job interview.

You’re driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she’s about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man/woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box!

One Liner

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half!