A poor vagabond, traveling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: “George and the Dragon.”

He knocked gently on the door and the innkeeper’s wife stuck her head out a window.

“Could ye spare some victuals?” he asked politely.

The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition. “No!” she said rather sternly.

“Could I just have a pint of ale?”

“No!” she said again.

“Could I at least sleep in your stable?”

“No!” by this time she was fairly shouting.

The vagabond said, “Might I please — “

“What now?” the woman interrupted impatiently.

“D’ye suppose,” he asked, “I might have a word with George?” 

One Liner

I never thought I was the type of person who would get up early in the morning and exercise. I was right.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

A customer sent a large order to a distributor.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid so they sent a message: “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the reply came: “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.” 

One Liner

Billion-dollar idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking!”

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

The first day of summer camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their
stuff.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

The counselor asked, “Tell me Bobby, why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”

The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?

One Liner

Inquiring minds want to know: are you pro-biotic or anti-biotic?!

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. 

The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they’d give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer.

About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, “If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who’d like to volunteer, please step forward.”

One Liner

Cats can memorize 120 commands, but they don’t want to.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggested, “I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?” and walked away.

Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. “Maybe she won!” he thought. Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned. He asked, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replied, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29 and 47 came up. Then she just fainted!”

One Liner

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

His family was fond of the legs for dinner and there were never enough for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together: “Well I finally did it. I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!”

They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

“I don’t know” said the farmer. “I could never catch the dang thing!”

One Liner

He ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey.

Celebrating 20 years of MIKESHUMOR – May 2004 to 2024

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark. 

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. 

3. Don’t listen to critics — do what has to be done. 

4. Build on high ground. 

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs. 

6. Two heads are better than one. 

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. 

8. If you can’t fight or flee — float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. 

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. 

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm. 

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. 

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. 

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. 

16. Don’t miss the boat. 

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.

One Liner

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.