A bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was  offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit’s head and said, “You’re under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll blow your brains out.”

But the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger’s message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

“What did he say?” asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, “He said, ‘Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn’t dare shoot me.'”

One Liner

I wonder what Facebook employees do to waste time at work?

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CO-WORKER IS A COMPUTER HACKER

10. You ticked him off once and your next phone bill was for $20,000.

9. He’s won the Publisher’s Clearing House sweepstakes 3 years running.

8. When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.

7. Seems strangely calm whenever the office computer network goes down.

6. Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.

5. Mumbled, “Oh, puh-leeez” 95 times during the movie “The Net.”

4. Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.

3. His video dating profile lists “public-key encryption” among hobbies.

2. When his computer starts up, you hear, “Good Morning, Mr. President.”

1. You hear him murmur, “Let’s see you use that Visa card now, Professor I-Don’t-Give-A’s-In-Computer-Science!”

One Liner

I’ve failed math so many times, I can’t even count.

What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement:

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Technical Publications.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.

One Liner

If money talks, why won’t it have a conversation with me??

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

> The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
> The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke
> The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
> The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

> The first worm in alcohol – Dead
> The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead
> Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead
> Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive

So the minister asked the congregation, “What can you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

One Liner

Instead of a sign that says “Do Not Disturb”, I need one that says “Already Disturbed, Proceed With Caution”.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats.  It worked like a charm.  The front of the church always fills first now.”

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n’ roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest, “But I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, “And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ canNOT stay on the church roof.”

One Liner

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”

The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”

The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am a Baptist and this is a casserole.”

One Liner

My wife told me she didn’t understand the science behind cloning. I replied, “That makes two of us.”

One day Sven & Ollie, local pastors, were seen pounding a sign into the ground, that said: “DA END ISS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE”

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash…

Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, “Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say ‘Bridge Out’?”

One Liner

Sign outside a church in Louisiana: “The Saints win here every Sunday.”

HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is… and I didn’t notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”…

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing…why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

One Liner

Some people can’t tell a lie, others can’t tell the truth, and others can’t tell the difference.