The Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes to take their drink order.

“I would like a Sprite,” said the first little piggy.
“I would like a Coke,” said the second little piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

“I want a nice big steak,” said the first piggy.
“I would like the salad plate,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

“I want a banana split,” said the first piggy.
“I want a root beer float,” said the second piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” exclaimed the third little piggy.

“Pardon me for asking,” said the waiter to the third little piggy, “but why have you only ordered water all evening?”

The third piggy says, “Well, somebody has to go wee, wee, wee, all the way home!”

One Liner

Sometimes it takes me all day to do nothing.

BEST OUT OF OFFICE AUTOMATIC E-MAIL REPLIES

1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over….)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Steve.

One Liner

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys, and phone.”

A sidewalk preacher stood on a soapbox downtown and started a rousing sermon on salvation, ending with, “Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand by me!”

Half of those standing around joined the preacher, and he went on, raising his voice and fervor, again with the call, “Brothers and Sisters, if you want to go to Heaven, come stand with me!”

Half of those left came over and the preacher continued, ending again with the call to Heaven. This time, all but one man came over.

“Brother!” the preacher called, “Don’t you want to go to Heaven when you die?”

The man said, “Oh sure, when I die. I thought you were taking a load up now!”

One Liner

The most fattening thing you can put in an ice cream sundae is a spoon.

This old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back about an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got suspicious as to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a short time. So he invited himself fishing with the old guy.

They went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of dynamite and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the surface and the old guy starts scooping them up in his net.

The game warden says, “You can’t do that. It’s illegal.”

The old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says, “You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?”

One Liner

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted

The family’s teenage son had just received his brand new drivers license.

To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.

Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” said the beaming boy to his old man.

“Nope,” came dad’s reply, “I’m gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years.”

One Liner

You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world.

One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises.

“I know,” replied the actor, “it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath.”

One Liner

I just paid it BACKwards by telling the guy at the window that the car behind me was paying for my stuff.