A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, “39 and holding.”

The child thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

One Liner

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

One Liner

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. “Mommy, Mommy!” he cried, “I just saw a man making a horse!”  

“Are you sure?” asked his mother.  

“Yes,” said the tot. “He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet.”

One Liner

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Bob was a Walmart greeter who was habitually late for work, but otherwise an excellent employee. Out of frustration concerning this gentleman’s tardiness, the Walmart store manager called him in for a one-on-one meeting. 

“So,” began the manager, “I understand you’re retired from the armed forces. May I inquire as to which branch?”

“I was in the Navy,” Bob replied. 

“And,” inquired the boss, “were you ever late arriving at your former job?”  

“Why, yes, sometimes I came late” answered Bob. 

“Well, tell me, what comment was made upon your late arrival?” 

The greeter smiled and replied, “Good morning, Admiral Jones, would you like tea or coffee this morning?”

One Liner

“Experience” is the name people give to their mistakes.

“We don’t have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.” 

“Really? What’d he do?”

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

One Liner

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

My friends and I have named our band Duvet. It’s a cover band.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”

“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”

One Liner

You know what wakes you up faster than coffee? Spilled coffee.

A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it.

The youngster’s review: “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”

One Liner

What’s worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip on a rescue mission breaking, too.

I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.

“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.

“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”

One Liner

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet. 

 “What are you doing?” he asked her. 
 
She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.” 

One Liner

“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey