Elf: “Santa, we’ve finished making mints for every child.”
Santa: “Mints?”
Elf: “Yeah, you said make Altoids.”
Santa: “I said make all toys.”
Elf: “Altoids!”
Santa: “All toys.”
Elf: “Well this is a disappoint-mint.”
One Liner
Christmas is a holiday during which neither the past nor the future is of as much interest as the present.
My husband works as a service technician for a large exterminating company. One of the rules of the company is that he has to confirm each appointment by phone the night before his service call to that household.
One evening he made such a call, and when a man answered the phone, he said, “Hi, this is Gary from A to Z Pest Control Company. Your wife phoned us.”
There was a long silence, and then my husband heard the man on the other end say, “Honey, it’s for you. Someone wants to talk to you about your relatives.”
One Liner
Cleaning is just putting stuff in less obvious places.
Two friends are chatting…
“I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish.”
“What is your wish?”
“That somebody would give me two million dollars.”
One Liner
Here I am!!! What are your other two wishes?
One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”
Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”
Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”
One Liner
It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
One Liner
A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
MESSAGES FROM KIDS TO THE MILITARY
“My life is great and I love my family I get to be with because your life is awful.”
Fingers crossed you make it friend.”
“I’m Jenny from third grade and if you die it’s going to be okay.”
“Dear hero, thank you for your service, I sent some candy but don’t eat too much or you won’t be able to run away fast enough.”
My teacher said I had to write something. Enjoy the candy.”
“Dear deployed person, hope they don’t make you stay deployed, good luck!”
One Liner
Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose.
I went for an interview at a big IT company today for the position of Computer Hacking Investigator.
The boss asked me, “So, what makes you suitable for this job?”
“Well,” I replied, “I hacked into your computer and invited myself to this interview!”
One Liner
I entered my first marathon and finished first! Two steps into it I stubbed my toe and finished, first.
A minister is visiting his children to celebrate Christmas. When he walks into the house, he sees a beautiful nativity set.
His granddaughter walks up to him, and he asks her if she knows what it is.
She replies, “Yes… it’s breakable.”
One Liner
Not saying I live in a rough area, but just bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up!
*Santa to 3-year-old female:
Hello … why is your arm in plaster?
Because it hurts.
What makes it hurt?
The dog.
Did he bite you?
No, he pushed me in the pool.
And did you swim out yourself?
No the pool was empty, and dad was cleaning it.
One Liner
I’m only talking to my dog today.
Fruit Cake TOP TEN
10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.
9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.
8. Send to U.S. Air Force; let troops drop them.
7. Use as railroad ties.
6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.
5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.
4. Use instead of cement shoes.
3. Save for next summer’s garage sale.
2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.
1. Two words: pin cushion.
One Liner
Here I am – now what are your other two wishes?
mikeshumor 