Before they slid into a booth, one guy brushed crumbs off the seat and the other took a napkin and swiped at a spill on the table. The waitress came over and asked if they wanted some menus.

“No thanks,” said the first guy. “I’ll just have a cup of black coffee.”

“I’ll have black coffee too,” said the second. “And please make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off into the kitchen.

Two minutes later, she was back. “Two cups of black coffee,” she announced.

“Which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

One Liner

Remember, you can’t have everything. Where would you keep it?

As I pulled into the gas station, I noticed a woman trying to push her car
toward the pump. Having always considered myself a Good Samaritan, I parked
and joined her in pushing her car.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m giving you a hand,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“I’m stretching before my run.”

One Liner

Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics
class pulls a hamstring.

A middle-aged man dies, and soon finds himself with both St. Peter and the devil. St. Peter asks his name. And he says, “Bower, Johnny Bower.” And St. Peter says, “Johnny Bower? Oh, I’m so sorry, you’re not supposed to die for another 5 years. We’ll have to send you back down.”

Mr. Bower is overjoyed, but he notices the two doors leading to Heaven and Hell, and hears what sounds like a party behind the door to Hell. He asks if he can go over and just look around. The devil says, “Of course, but just for a few minutes.” So he goes over and finds an incredible party going on, with wonderful food and drinks, and everyone obviously having a great time. He says to himself, “If this is Hell, I want to be part of it!”

So when he gets back to earth, he sins his brains out for the next 5 years, doing every immoral thing imaginable to be sure he winds up in Hell. And sure enough, 5 years to the day later, he’s facing the devil again in front of the door to Hell. As the door opens, he hears no music, and there is no food or a party. There are just these flames leaping out from the door. In disbelief, he asks, “Where’s the party? Where are all the people having fun?” The devil grins and says, “Oh, you fell for that? Well, 5 years ago you were a prospect. Now you’re a customer.”

One Liner

Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree! 

One day down at the VFW hall, some old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors .

The first declared proudly, “My great grandfather, at age 13, was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

The second boasted, “Mine went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

The third said, “I’m the only soldier in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know.

“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

One Liner

Outside an ice cream shop: “Scream until daddy stops the car.”

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, “Son, can you tell me where the post office is?” 

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right.” 

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.” 

The little boy replied with a chuckle. “Awww, come on; you don’t even know the way to the post office.”

One Liner

Two men sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

HYMNS FOR SEASONED CITIZENS

~ The Old Rugged Face

~ Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up

~ It is Well With My Soul, But My Knees Hurt

~ Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

~ Amazing Grace, Considering My Age 

~ Just a Slower Walk With Thee

~ Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

~ Go Tell It On The Mountain, But Speak Up

~ Give Me That Old Timers’ Religion 

~ Blessed Insurance

~ Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked

One Liner

Try to remember that the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic leak.

Two little kids are in the hospital, lying on beds next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in for?” 

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.” 

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.” 

The second kid then says, “What are you here for?” 

The first kid says, “A circumcision.” 

And the second kid says, “Whoa, I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

One Liner

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

A ship engine failed and no one could fix it, so they brought in a guy with 40 years experience. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom. After looking things over, the guy reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine burst back into life.

The engine was fixed!

Seven days later the owners got his bill for $10,000.

“What?!” the owners said. “You hardly did anything. Send us an itemized bill.”

The reply simply said: 
Tapping with a hammer: $2
Knowing where to tap: $9,998

One Liner

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

“Oh no, not leftovers again!” complained my older sister when she saw the
leftover meatloaf on the table from last night’s supper.

“Young lady,” responded my father sternly, “do you know how many people
would love to have a delicious supper like this? You should be ashamed of
yourself. Now before we start eating I want to hear you say grace thanking
the Lord for this delicious meal.”

“Thank you, Lord, for this delicious supper,” muttered my sister
submissively, “..AGAIN!”

One Liner

Espresso may not be the answer, but it’s worth a shot.

People you do not want to hear say “OOPS!”

    Your surgeon.
    Your dentist.
    Your nurse.
    Your hairdresser.
    Your mechanic.
    Your gardener.
    Your tax accountant.
    The computer tech person.
    The house painter.
    The pilot.
    The crew installing your roof.

One Liner

If you’re having dinner with chess champion Magnus Carlsen, do not use a checkered tablecloth.  It’ll take him two hours to pass the salt.