Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I’d be happy if just one thing went down.
Little Johnny: Dad, here’s my report card.
One Liner
My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don’t listen and…something else.
Two years after my heart attack, I was teaching my college course when I felt discomfort in my chest. I paused the class to pop my medication and felt better quickly.
“Now, if I ever do have a heart attack,” I told my students, “I will give extra credit to whoever gives me CPR.”
One of them shouted out, “How much?”
One Liner
The best way to discourage Knock Knock jokes is just by saying, “Come in!”
A man called his neighbor to help move a couch that was stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn’t budge.
“Forget it,” the man finally gasped. “We’ll never get this in.”
A frustrated voice came from the other end of the couch: “IN?!?!”
One Liner
Q. What do you give someone who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says, “You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother.”
Minnie says,”You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother’s Day? That’s from my son Bernie. What a doll.”
Shirley says, “That’s nothing. You know my son Stanley? He sees a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five sessions a week. And what does he talk about? Me!”
One Liner
Went to an antique show and people were bidding on me.
A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”
The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”
The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”
The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”
The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.
One Liner
The fact that my body cracks like a glow stick every time I move yet doesn’t actually glow is disappointing.
A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: “I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike.”
Mary, his loving new bride commented: “You’ll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents.”
One Liner
One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.
The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
One Liner
Nothing’s scarier than that moment you lose your balance in the shower and think, ‘THEY’RE GOING TO FIND ME NAKED!!’
A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building. I hope you’ll give what you can.”
“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman. “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”
One Liner
I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.
On a balmy day in New York, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos, khakis, and a round of golf.
After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”
“Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”
One Liner
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.
Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.
My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.
“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.
“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”
“Autumn,” he replied
One Liner
Some people are like clouds, once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.
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