Visiting St Patrick’s Cathedral on a tour of New York City, my daughter and her children were awed by the sight. The kids were especially curious about the votive candles, so my daughter asked if they’d each like to light one.

She explained that is it customary to say a prayer of petition or thanks, and she was careful to tell them that these are not like birthday candles. “Do you have any questions?” she asked.

“No,” said the 5-year-old, “but if there’s a pony outside, it’s mine.”

One Liner

The best auto safety device is a rear-view mirror with a police car in it.

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town’s veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. 

An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it!”

One Liner

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? 10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

Me to the postal carrier: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.

Postal carrier: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?

Me: We had an argument, and she’s not talking to me.

One Liner

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

Blanche: Herb, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear!

Herb: Does it upset you that much?

Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.

One Liner

I always knew I’d get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times. If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. “I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

One Liner

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

While out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, I got a little wistful. 

“In ten years,” I began, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”

Carolyn shrugged, “That’s okay, because in ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

One Liner

I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them.

One turns to the other and says, “Boy, you’ll never get me up in one of those things.” 

One Liner

Grocery store product sign: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!

I asked my daughter to give me the phone book. 

She laughed at me, called me a dinosaur, and lent me her iPhone. 

So the spider is dead, the iPhone is broken, and my daughter is furious.

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the
“no-bell” prize.

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. “Did you steal this man’s overcoat?” he demanded. 

“No sir,” the defendant replied, with a grin. “I was just playing joke on him.”

“And where did you take the coat?” asked the judge.

“I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me.”

“Guilty,” snapped the judge. 

“Guilty! Guilty of what?” asked the defendant.

“Guilty of carrying a joke too far!”

One Liner

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?