“We don’t have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”
“Really? What’d he do?”
“Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”
One Liner
Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.
It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”
One Liner
My friends and I have named our band Duvet. Its a cover band.
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
One Liner
You know what wakes you up faster than coffee? Spilled coffee.
A young boy went to church for the first time. His grandpa asked how he liked it.
The youngster’s review: “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”
One Liner
What’s worse than a chip breaking off in the dip? The second chip on a rescue mission breaking, too.
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
So, have you learned anything? asked the cop.
Yes, I have, I began. I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.
One Liner
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
A grandfather was walking past his young granddaughter’s room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.
“What are you doing?” he asked her.
She explained, “I’m saying my prayers, but I couldn’t think of just what I wanted to say. So I’m just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best.”
One Liner
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.” – Dennis Wholey
A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?”
The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?”
The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?”
The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”
One Liner
Do they allow a loud laugh in Hawaii or just a low ha?
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Frobisher’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
One Liner
Day 12 without chocolate…lost hearing in my left eye.
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.”
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter, and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!
He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, “Meow.”
One Liner
Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it.
A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. He asks the proprietor, “You know the expression, ‘You should say it with flowers’?”
“How about three dozen of my finest roses?” the florist asks.
“Make it a half dozen roses,” the man answers. “I’m a man of few words.”
One Liner
Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!
mikeshumor 