Two diners at a very swanky eatery were shocked to see on the menu a dish of “hickory-smoked possum jowls in pancake syrup.” They summoned a waiter to complain.

Their waiters looked at the menu. Then he threw it down and yelled to the owner in the kitchen,

“Hey, the printers forgot to translate the menu into French again!”

One Liner

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, “Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started.”

Mozart said, “The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with.”

The young man looked astonished. “But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I.”

“Ah,” said Mozart, “but I did so without asking advice.”

One Liner

If everything goes perfectly, something’s wrong.

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Tommy, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Tommy, what’s the matter?” 

Little Tommy responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m gonna have a wife.”

One Liner

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven’t met everybody.

The patient is adamant. “Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . .”

“What makes you think you need all these?”

Well, replied the patient, “My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized.”

One Liner

I plead contemporary insanity.

There was a football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss. The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

One Liner

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist. If they ask what I do every day, I answer, “Y’know, stuff.”

John slammed his cards on the table and left the game in a huff.

“Boy,” said another player disgustingly, “I really hate playing cards with a bad loser.”

“He isn’t very pleasant,” another player said, raking in the chips, “but it’s better than playing with a good winner.

One Liner

You can’t please everyone. But it is possible to make ’em all mad at the same time.

A young child asked a woman how old she was. She answered, “39 and holding.”

The child thought for a moment, then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

One Liner

What kind of tea is hard to swallow? Reality.

“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work yesterday was that you were out playing golf.”

“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”

One Liner

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. “Mommy, Mommy!” he cried, “I just saw a man making a horse!”  

“Are you sure?” asked his mother.  

“Yes,” said the tot. “He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet.”

One Liner

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

Bob was a Walmart greeter who was habitually late for work, but otherwise an excellent employee. Out of frustration concerning this gentleman’s tardiness, the Walmart store manager called him in for a one-on-one meeting. 

“So,” began the manager, “I understand you’re retired from the armed forces. May I inquire as to which branch?”

“I was in the Navy,” Bob replied. 

“And,” inquired the boss, “were you ever late arriving at your former job?”  

“Why, yes, sometimes I came late” answered Bob. 

“Well, tell me, what comment was made upon your late arrival?” 

The greeter smiled and replied, “Good morning, Admiral Jones, would you like tea or coffee this morning?”

One Liner

“Experience” is the name people give to their mistakes.