Many years ago my wife was to knitting what Tiger Woods is to golf. She designed exotic patterns with ease.

There was an occasion when we had lunch in an authentic Chinese restaurant (only one person spoke partial English, all menus were in Chinese). When she saw the hand-written menu she was so impressed with the calligraphy she tucked the menu in her purse. Some months later I saw the result, a stunning white sweater with the Chinese symbols hand-stitched down the front.

She received compliments galore until one cocktail party when we met a distinguished Chinese physician who asked my wife where she got the symbols. He then wanted to know if she knew what they meant.

“I’m afraid to ask,” she said, “but tell me anyway.”

Even she had to laugh when he told her they read, “This is a cheap dish – but good.”

One Liner

In my car in the mall parking lot and a lady can’t find her car. Every time she holds her key in the air, I honk my horn.

A little boy had been pawing over a stationer’s stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, “Just what is it you’re looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend, anniversary or a congratulations to your mom and dad?”

The boy shook his head and answered, “Got anything like a blank report card?”

One Liner

A toddler saw a heavily-tattooed man and exclaimed, “I bet his mother took away all HIS markers!”

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” 

The engineer replied, “In the region of $250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” 

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” 

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” 

The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”

One Liner

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”

One Liner

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good
sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums,
shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”

“Yes sir, I understand.” 

“Good, Charlie. Now, would you please explain that to your father?”

One Liner

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the
“no-bell” prize.

An accountant, an engineer and a statistician were interviewing for a job. Each of them were asked the same question at the conclusion of the interview: what is 4 x 5? 

The engineer replied 20.000 with a 100% certainty factor. 

The statistician answered that the sample size was too small to make any reliable conclusions. 

The accountant looked around, leaned over the desk, and in a whisper asked, “what do you want it to be?”

One Liner

Because of his ongoing ability to increase office productivity, the “Employee of the Month” award again goes to Mr. Coffee.

A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car’s owner rushed out of a nearby building.

“What are you doing?” he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. “There’s plenty of time left!”

One Liner

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

Two children went into their parent’s bathroom and noticed the scale in the corner.

“Whatever you do,” cautioned one child to the younger one, “don’t step on it!”

“Why not?” asked the sibling.

“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”

One Liner

I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a
CPR course. The class used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie,
to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to
allow for storage in a carrying case. 

The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my
classmates gently shook the doll and asked, “Are you all right?” 

He then put his ear over the mannequin’s mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, “She said she can’t feel
her legs!”

One Liner

I have a phobia of German sausage. Yes, I fear the wurst.

Scientists on a research vessel were astonished to find out that the boat’s captain, although fully trained and licensed, had never learned to swim.

“Is it true?” one of them asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No, I can’t,” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”

One Liner

I can’t stand people who look down on people who look down on people.