A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half. 

One Liner

The fact that my body cracks like a glow stick every time I move yet doesn’t actually glow is disappointing.

A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: “I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike.”

Mary, his loving new bride commented: “You’ll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents.”

One Liner

One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”

“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

One Liner

Nothing’s scarier than that moment you lose your balance in the shower and think, ‘THEY’RE GOING TO FIND ME NAKED!!’

A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister who said, “I’m collecting donations for the new children’s home we’re building.  I hope you’ll give what you can.”

“To be sure,” said the beleaguered woman. “I’ll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each.”

One Liner

I don’t have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.

On a balmy day in New York, four priests swapped their clerical garb for polos, khakis, and a round of golf.

After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”

“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”

“Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language!”

One Liner

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.

My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.

“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”

“Autumn,” he replied

One Liner

Some people are like clouds, once they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

As the manager of our hospital’s softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.

When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area.

I heard one man say to his wife, “Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist.”

One Liner

You’re having a bad day when you see a sign in your dentist’s office that says, “No pain, no gain.”

 famous author was autographing copies of his new novel in a Cleveland department store. One gentleman pleased him by bringing up not only his new book for signature, but reprint editions of his two previous ones as well.

“My wife likes your stuff,” he remarked apologetically. “I thought I’d give her these autographed copies for a birthday present.”

“A surprise, eh?” hazarded the author.

“I’ll say,” agreed the customer. “She’s expecting a Cadillac.”

One Liner

I love approaching 80 – I learn something new every day and forget five other things!

THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her/him behind her/him back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy…or else.

IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.

V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.

VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the shower, nor use my credit cards.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!

X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his entertainment center, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

One Liner

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring.

I think my girlfriend’s hallucinating.

She keeps telling me she’s seeing other people.

One Liner

Tell me who admires and loves you, and I will tell you who you are.