The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?
One Liner
Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”
One Liner
Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in?
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why? Didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook…”
One Liner
Better living through denial!
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No…
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Oh, do you know who I am?
Girl: No…
Boy: Good! *walks away*
One Liner
My memory is so terrible that I had to change my password to “Incorrect”. Now I get a reminder every time I enter my password wrong: “Your password is Incorrect.” 🙂
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
One Liner
Congratulations! You survived April. Welcome to Level 5 of Jumanji.
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I
born?”
“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to
write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three
generations.”
One Liner
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
A taxpayer received a strongly-worded “second notice” that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
“Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
One Liner
If you answer the phone with, Hello? Youre on the air! most telemarketers will hang up.
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says: “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.”
A voice from the crowd says: “There’s a calendar behind you.”
One Liner
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, “It was Mom.”
“How do you know?”
“She didn’t say anything.”
One Liner
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Do you think,” said one clergy to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”
One Liner
Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.
mikeshumor 