Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.

“Looks like 9 pounds,” he offered confidently.

“This must not be your first,” I said.

“Oh, yes,” he said, “it’s my first.”

“Then how would you know the weight of a baby?” I asked.

He shrugged, “I’m a fisherman.”

One Liner
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 

Be still, my heart, thought the doctor, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! 

Then the child spoke into the instrument: “Welcome to McDonald’s. May I take your order?” 

One Liner
Confession without repentance is just bragging.

Two Canadian geese decided to fly south for the winter. A frog was sitting next to them as they decided this and he decided he wanted to go as well. The geese laughed and said “you’re just a frog- you can’t fly!” The frog knew that he didn’t want to stay in the cold, so he thought and thought and thought.

“I got an idea!” the frog said. He found a long stick. “You two hold this stick in your claws and I’ll hold on to the middle.”

“With what?” the geese asked. “Your little hands could never hold on to a stick!”

“With my mouth” said the frog, proud of his idea.

So the geese put the stick in their claws, the frog clamped on with his mouth and they began to fly south successfully.

A day or two later, a crowd of people looked up and saw the two geese flying overhead, holding a stick with a frog holding on in the middle with his mouth. Someone in the crowd exclaimed, “What a brilliant idea- I wonder who thought of that?”

The frog proudly exclaimed “I did!”

One Liner
You know you’re a bad cook when your doctor instructs you to eat out more often.

Airhead #1:  “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”

Airhead #2: “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida?”

One Liner
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Parent #1: “My kid’s a senior; in May, he’ll be an engineer.  What’s your kid going to be when he gets out of college?”

Parent #2: “At the rate he’s going?  About thirty.”

One Liner
He looks like a million bucks…after taxes.

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don’t really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

“If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” I declared, “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”

Without hesitating, he replied, “From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me.”

One Liner
Talk slowly, but think quickly — and be thinking about the same thing you are talking about.

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. “Where would we be today,” she asked, “if no one had ever been curious?”

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. “Still in the Garden of Eden?”

One Liner
It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing — it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: “What Bible story is that?”

Kid: “It’s the flight to Egypt.”

Teacher: “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus … but who’s the fourth person?”

Kid: “Oh, that’s Pontius, the Pilot.”

One Liner
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.

A police officer stops him and asks, “Why did you park your bicycle here? Don’t you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?”

Man replied, “Don’t you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!”

One Liner
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. 

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I知 so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. 

“But what can I do about it?” the pastor said. 

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.” 

One Liner
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).