Caller: “There’s something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars.”
Help Desk: “Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can’t read your password.”
Caller: “Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me.”
One Liner
A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
Two city boys were on their first camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured.
When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: “We might as well give up, they’re coming at us with flashlights!”
One Liner
Adulting is a soup and I am a fork.
Being the office supervisor, I had to have a word with a new employee who never arrived at work on time.
I explained that her tardiness was unacceptable and that other employees had noticed that she was walking in late every day. After listening to my complaints, she agreed that this was a problem and even offered a solution.
“Is there another door I could use?”
One Liner
I always thought it odd that Cap地 Crunch is made by Quaker Oats…a cereal commanded by a military officer made by an avowedly non-combatant community of oats.
For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.
She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.
“Oh, I’ve done all the talking, and I’m so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me…what do you think of my grandchildren?”
One Liner
Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that email to 25 people.
The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.
He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, “Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?”
The kid answered, “Did you ever have a mother?
One Liner
Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding…'”
One Liner
Have we tried unplugging 2020, waiting 30 seconds, and plugging it back in?
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
“The evening was a disaster,” he moaned.
“Why? Didn’t she come over?” asked his mother.
“Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook…”
One Liner
Better living through denial!
Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No…
Girl: I am the principal’s daughter!
Boy: Oh, do you know who I am?
Girl: No…
Boy: Good! *walks away*
One Liner
My memory is so terrible that I had to change my password to “Incorrect”. Now I get a reminder every time I enter my password wrong: “Your password is Incorrect.” 🙂
A 4-year old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, “Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?”
“Because,” his dad explained, “after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color.”
There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, “Daddy, are you talking to me?”
One Liner
Congratulations! You survived April. Welcome to Level 5 of Jumanji.
A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, “How was I
born?”
“Well, Honey…” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.”
“Oh,” said the boy. “Well, how did you and daddy get born?” he asked.
“Oh, the stork brought us too,” chimed in the dad.
“Well how were grandpa and grandma born?” he persisted.
“Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom, by now starting to
squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.
Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with
confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been very difficult to
write because there hasn’t been a natural childbirth in my family for three
generations.”
One Liner
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
mikeshumor 