A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn’t heard anything from her for a few days.

So she tells her son, “I want you to go next door and see how ol’ Mrs. Williams is.”

A few minutes later, the boy returns.

“Well, is she all right?” the mother asks.

“She’s fine, but she’s annoyed with you,” he says.

“At me? Whatever for?”

“Well,” says her son, “Mrs. Williams told me it’s none of your business how old she is.”

One Liner
Putting paper in a folder stops it from folding.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.” 

One Liner
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

One Liner
“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

Sunday School Teacher: “Now Little Johnny, I want you to memorize today’s motto, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Little Johnny: “Yes ma’am, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business.”

Teacher: “Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?”

Little Johnny: “He’s a boxer.”

One Liner
If money talks, my wallet is whispering.

One morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse’s office.

When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. “Why are you dressed like that?” I asked her.

“I told my son,” she explained, “that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I’ve come to spend the day with him!”

One Liner
If these last few weeks have taught us anything, it is that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.

An auto mechanic received a repair order: “Check for clunking sound when going around corners.”

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn and heard a ‘clunk.’  He then made a left turn and again heard a ‘clunk.’ Back at the shop he soon discovered the problem.

He returned the repair order to the service manager with the notation: “Removed bowling ball from trunk.”

One Liner
Duct tape is like The Force – It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red. 

After seeing this, the teacher asked him, “Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?” 

Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”

One Liner
Paid for a limousine and the driver never showed up. I paid all that money and got nothing to chauffeur it.

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.

He said, “Today, in church I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind.”

The pastor shouted out, “Cross.”

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison “The Old Rugged Cross.”

The Pastor hollered out “Grace.” The congregation began to sing “Amazing Grace.”

The Pastor said “Power.” The congregation sang “There is Power in the Blood.”

The Pastor said “Sex.” The congregation fell in stunned silence.

Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.

Then, all of a sudden way, from in the back of the church, a little 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “Precious Memories.”

One Liner
Nothing is fool-proof because fools are so ingenious.

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: “I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights”

The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, “This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.
What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!”

“No,” the cook says, “3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up.” 

“Oh,” says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.

The guy says “What are the beans for?”

The waitress replies “I thought that, while you’re waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up.”

One Liner
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 

Two young boys were sitting patiently through a wedding. One asked the other, “How many wives can a man have?”

The other replied, “Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.”

One Liner
People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are really telling you that they have no sense of humor.