Useful words that ought to exist:
1) Begathon – Fundraising drive on public television or radio.
2) Cheedle – Residue on your fingers after eating CheetosŪ.
3) Crummox – Cereal bits in the bottom of the bag.
4) Fenderberg – Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.
5) Flopcorn – Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.
One Liner
Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the companys profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I’m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
One Liner
Life, unlike Algebra, does not have the answers to the odd problems in the back of the book.
A man went to his doctor and said, “Help me, doctor. I think my eyesight is getting worse.”
The doctor asked the man to look out the window. “Tell me what you see,” he said, pointing.
“I see the sun,” the man replied.
The doctor turned to him and asked, “Just how much farther do you want to see?”
One Liner
I thought getting old would take longer.
A group of Americans were touring Holland by bus. They stopped at a cheese farm where a young guide led them through the process of making cheese from goat’s milk. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered: “They send us on bus tours!”
One Liner
I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The pastor stood up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that we have enough money to pay for our new building program! The bad news is that it’s still out there in your pockets.”
One Liner
I hate it when I think I’m buying ORGANIC vegetables, but when I get home they’re REGULAR donuts.
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. “I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows, and leave out the ‘love, honor, obey, and forsake all others’ part.” He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor’s hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, “Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you’ll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?”
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said “Yes” in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, “I thought we had a deal!”
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,
“She made me a much better offer.”
One Liner
I don’t want to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours.
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.”One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
One Liner
I don’t remember going the extra mile, but when I do it’s because I missed my exit.
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand-new business much like his own opened up next door to his left and erected a huge sign which read … BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading … LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read … MAIN ENTRANCE.
One Liner
Humans are 90% water basically cucumbers with anxiety.
A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow’s absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, “How come after all these years we don’t see you at services anymore?”
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. “I’ll tell you, Rabbi,” he whispered. “When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must’ve forgotten about me, and I don’t want to remind Him.”
One Liner
Did you know that 97% of the world is dumb? Luckily, I’m in the other 5%!
A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday.
One little boy wrote, “Dear God, we had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there.”
One Liner
Alarm clocks are maybe the only device that make you mad in both scenarios, whether they work or not.
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