Two bats are going for their midnight feed. After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, “Where did you get all that blood from?”

The second bat replies, “Follow me. I’ll show you.”

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, “You see that wall over there?”

The hungry bat excitedly says, “Yes!”

Other bat says, “I didn’t.”

One Liner
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student: “Why our son is so brilliant, every time we get an email from him we have to go dictionary.com.”

“You’re lucky,” the neighbor said. “Every time we get an email from our son in college, we have to go to the bank.”

One Liner
I’ve found that growing up in the 60s was a lot more fun than being in my 60s.

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, “That looks great on you! Get that one.”

“Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”

One Liner
It’s been a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money on the sidewalk. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

Just saw a burglar kicking his own door in. 

I asked, “What are you doing?”

He said, “Working from home.”

One Liner
If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t most people in a better mood?

Real Estate Agent: “This house has its good points and its bad points. The disadvantages are a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”

Prospective Buyer: “Yikes. What are the advantages?”

Agent: “You can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

One Liner
I wonder what my dog named me.

A dog was so clever that his owner sent him to college. Home for vacation, the dog admitted he had learned neither history nor science, but added proudly, “I did make a good start in foreign languages.”

“Okay,” replied the owner, “say something in a foreign language.”

The dog said, “Meow!”

One Liner
Saying “Have a nice day” sounds friendly. But saying “Enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.

A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn’t heard anything from her for a few days.

So she tells her son, “I want you to go next door and see how ol’ Mrs. Williams is.”

A few minutes later, the boy returns.

“Well, is she all right?” the mother asks.

“She’s fine, but she’s annoyed with you,” he says.

“At me? Whatever for?”

“Well,” says her son, “Mrs. Williams told me it’s none of your business how old she is.”

One Liner
Putting paper in a folder stops it from folding.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.” 

One Liner
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Becky’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

One Liner
“A letter carrier career is a mail dominated profession.”

Sunday School Teacher: “Now Little Johnny, I want you to memorize today’s motto, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.”

Little Johnny: “Yes ma’am, but I know it already. My father says he has always used that as his motto in his business.”

Teacher: “Oh, how noble of him! And what is his business?”

Little Johnny: “He’s a boxer.”

One Liner
If money talks, my wallet is whispering.