Mom and Dad were trying to console the little kid. “You know, it’s not your fault that the dog died”. 
    The little kid was having none of it. 
    Dad said, “You know, he’s probably up in heaven right now with God.” 
    The little kid paused a moment, and looking puzzled, said, “What would God want with a dead dog?” 

One Liner
Why does sour cream have an expiration date? 

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. 

It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'” 

One of the women spoke up immediately. “Does she cook???”

One Liner
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death’s doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. 

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those,” she said. “They’re for the funeral.”

One Liner
Every new morning brings us as much of God’s grace as we need for the day.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have mixed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!

One Liner
How do you know you are out of invisible ink?

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

One Liner
An apple a day keeps the doctor away; a garlic a day keeps everyone away!

A man walking with his friend says, “I’m a walking economy.”

His friend replies, “How so?”

“My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression.”

One Liner
Sometimes I think I understand everything – but then I regain consciousness.

My pastor and his extended family were playing the game Jelly Belly’s Bean Boozled at a holiday gathering. (In the game you spin and it lands on a jellybean color with two possible flavors – one good and one bad. For instance, black could be licorice or skunk spray. You have to eat it without knowing which it will be.)

During the game his 8-year-old grandson spun the color for pear or boogers. The grandson was a bit skittish about eating the jellybean. His father leaned over to him and whispered, “Son, it shouldn’t be bad. You eat your boogers all the time.” 

To which his son promptly replied, “Yeah Dad, but I hate pears.”

One Liner
People used to laugh at me when I would say “I want to be a comedian”, well nobody’s laughing now.

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. “Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?” he asked. “What’s wrong with lawyers?” 

“Well, Dad,” explained the boy, “I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, ‘Is there a lawyer in the house?'”

One Liner
We waste time, so you don’t have to. 

A grandmother took her little grandson to the beach.  They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea!

The grandmother fell on her knees and cried to the heavens: “Please, Lord, return my grandson!  Please!  PLEASE!!!”

Lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the drenched child at her feet. She checked him over head to toe.  He was fine!

The grandmother looked up to the heavens again and said sternly: “He had a hat.”

One Liner
She wouldn’t try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.