Parent #1: “My kid’s a senior; in May, he’ll be an engineer.  What’s your kid going to be when he gets out of college?”

Parent #2: “At the rate he’s going?  About thirty.”

One Liner
He looks like a million bucks…after taxes.

It seems that every time John, our piano tuner, comes to our house, he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him that it should be done every six months, but I don’t really think about it until the piano sounds off-key. Last time he came over, I was on the defensive.

“If you would send out a postcard reminder like the dentist,” I declared, “I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a timely fashion.”

Without hesitating, he replied, “From now on, when the dentist sends you a postcard, call me.”

One Liner
Talk slowly, but think quickly — and be thinking about the same thing you are talking about.

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. “Where would we be today,” she asked, “if no one had ever been curious?”

One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. “Still in the Garden of Eden?”

One Liner
It took a couple of years, but when their numbers dwindled from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect Hungry.

A Sunday School teacher asked her class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by one drawing — it showed four people on an airplane!

Teacher: “What Bible story is that?”

Kid: “It’s the flight to Egypt.”

Teacher: “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus … but who’s the fourth person?”

Kid: “Oh, that’s Pontius, the Pilot.”

One Liner
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.

A police officer stops him and asks, “Why did you park your bicycle here? Don’t you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?”

Man replied, “Don’t you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!”

One Liner
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem. 

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I知 so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. 

“But what can I do about it?” the pastor said. 

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.” 

One Liner
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Teacher: “If you have five apples and I ask you for one, how  many will you have?”

Kid: “Five.”

One Liner
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

The tall, handsome, confident gentleman walked over to the girl and made a disparaging remark about the men who had been chatting her up. 

She laughed gaily, “When I don’t want a man’s attentions,” she confided, “and he asks where I live, I just say, ‘I’m visiting here’.” 

“Ha-ha,” he laughed, relishing her humor. “Where do you really live?” 

“I’m just visiting here.” 

One Liner
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s REALLY BAD for you.

“Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.” A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem. 

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!” 

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.” 

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.” 

One Liner
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

My dry cleaner very generously provides a stack of free newspapers for his customers.

As I took my copy, I told him, “I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers.”

“Oh, don’t worry about us,” he chuckled. “Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint.”

One Liner
The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 years.