Four priests in New York went golfing wearing typical “golfer” outfits. After a while, their caddy asked, “You guys wouldn’t be priests by any chance?”
“Actually, yes, we are,” one cleric replied. “How did you know?”
Easy,” said the caddy. “I’ve never seen such bad golf and such clean language.”
One Liner
Time may be a great healer, but its a lousy beautician.
The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
This “Fire Help.” Me Groog.
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing.
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn’t keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto’s cave*
One Liner
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins, you can’t imagine the smell.
Nurse: Doctor, doctor! The man you’ve just treated collapsed on the front step! What should I do?
Doctor: Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!
One Liner
I have a speech impediment … my foot.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
– The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
– The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
– The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
– The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
– The first worm in alcohol – Dead.
– The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead.
– Third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead.
– Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
One Liner
Are children ever ruly?
The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”
“No champ, I never did.”
“That’s a good thing.”
“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”
One Liner
All food is “Fat-Free” if you don’t eat it.
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home!?”
The kid replied, “She is; but this isn’t where I live.”
One Liner
Funny sign seen …. from a septic tank cleaning service:
We’re the #1 company for the #2 business!
“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”
One Liner
Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when the farmer talks to them. It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder.
Of course, our Chinese New Year dinner was all Chinese food, including fortune cookies. I had 2 cookies.
The message in the first cookie was:
“You inspire others with your principles.”
And, in case I became too inflated with myself, the second one was:
“Improve yourself. Practice makes perfect.”
Humbled for another year!
One Liner
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I keep seeing spots before my eyes!”
Doctor: “Have you seen an ophthalmologist?”
Patient: “No, just spots.”
One Liner
Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound…but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don’t lose a pound???
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him. “Not very good,” Terry said, “the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen.”
After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, “Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?”
To which a surprised Terry responded, “You have to cook the potatoes first?”
One Liner
What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium and if you can curium, then you might as well barium!
mikeshumor 