At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing. 

The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five. 

Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too. 

I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests. 

One Liner
Redneck murders are harder to solve. All the DNA  matches and there are no dental records.

While being transported to basic training as a new enlistee of the Air National Guard, I accidentally opened a parachute in the rear of the C-47. The plane was piloted by a major and a captain, and I felt intimidated as I opened the cockpit door to confess what I had done. 

Expecting to be severely chastised, I was surprised by the captain’s calm response. “Well, son,” he said, “if this plane goes down, that chute is yours.” 

One Liner
I would like to grow some herbs. I just can’t find the THYME!

A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library… The librarian quips after checking the books… 

“Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book…” 

The surgeon replies, “I can’t stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.” 

One Liner
Got rid of my toaster. It always burns my toast. I don’t like that cause I am black toast intolerant!

Stopping at a restaurant advertising a “Unique Breakfast,” a man asked the waitress what this was, and was told, “Baked chicken tongue.” 

“That’s disgusting!” the man said. “I’d never eat something that came out of a chicken’s mouth.” 

“What would you like then?” the waitress asked. 

“Oh, just bring me some scrambled eggs,” the man replied. 

One Liner
Cheese is GRATE for you!

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. 

The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. 

“Preacher,” said the young man, “I’m sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” 

The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.” 

One Liner
I burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have used ALOHA temperature?

I’m a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults. Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it very difficult for them to distinguish facial features. I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself. 

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, “For those of you who can’t see me, I’ve been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford.” Immediately, one woman called out, “We’re not THAT blind!” 

One Liner
When making butter, there is no MARGARINE for error!

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. 

“Well, Dad,” said the boy, “I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” 

“Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” 

“I know, but I never thought he’d choose his big sister!”

One Liner
I finally got my head together and my body fell apart. 

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner
Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and be quiet.

In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with “WWJD” printed on them.

Customer: “WWJD?  What does that mean?”

Clerk: “WWJD stands for ‘What Would Jesus Do’ “

Customer: “Well, I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps.”

One Liner
I disagree with unanimity. 

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over. 

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. “Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said. “We’re not hurt.” 

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy…this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.

One Liner
Why do they call it a “building”?  It’s all finished, isn’t it?  Why not call it a “built”?