Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.
The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars.
One Liner
Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!
Groan alert:
Two surgeons and a dermatologist were having lunch in the hospital cafeteria when the first two doctors began to laugh hysterically.
“What’s so funny?” the confused dermatologist asked.
“I’m sorry, you wouldn’t understand,” said one of the surgeons. “It’s an inside joke.”
One Liner
On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.
On a recent flight, an airhead passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all the airhead could see was the blinking wing-tip light and rang for the flight attendant.
“I’m sorry to bother you, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”
One Liner
You wouldn’t know an act of kindness if it hit you in the face.
“Today,” said the college professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys,
intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we
have to sit through another organ recital.”
One Liner
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Question on Economics Exam: “In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?”
Smart answer: “In 1492, none.”
One Liner
As we slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.
After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.
He told me the other vehicle was a cow.
One Liner
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
A doctor said to his car mechanic, “You charge more per hour then we get paid for medical care.”
“Yeah, Doc, but you have always the same model; it hasn’t changed since Adam. We have to keep up to date with new models coming every year.”
One Liner
Having an out of body experience. Back in five.
I called a friend and asked what he was doing.
He replied that he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment.”
I was impressed…
Upon further inquiring, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
One Liner
Hard work is the yeast that raises the dough.
When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.
He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”
The clerk looked at his picture closely. “It’s okay,” he reassured the man, “that’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”
One Liner
Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
Wayne was returning home from a business trip, bags in hand, and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.”
Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah…no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.”
“No!” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get in!”
Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard.
Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park, and I want yours.”
One Liner
A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
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