A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails down to the quick was advised by a friend to take up yoga to ease her nervousness. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.

One day her friend stopped her and — noticing her well long, groomed nails — asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.

“No,” she replied, “but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead.”

One Liner
Change is good! But dollars are better.

A pipe burst in a doctor’s house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a few minutes, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, “This is ridiculous! I don’t even make that much as a doctor!”

The plumber grinned, “Neither did I when I was a doctor.”

One Liner
If you want the world to beat a path to your door, just try to take a nap on a Saturday afternoon.

Mom: “Don’t let me ever catch you doing that again!”

Kid: “I’ll try, but you’re so quiet sometimes.”

One Liner
Money talks. Chocolate sings.

THE BEST/WORST COUNTRY-WESTERN SONGS 

~ “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”

~ “You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly”

~ “I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart”

~ “She Got the Gold Mine and I Got the Shaft”

~ “My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him”

~ “If You Don’t Leave Me Alone I’ll Go and Find Someone Else Who Will”

~ “My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart”

~ “They May Put Me In Prison But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breaking Out”

One Liner
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

SIGNS FOUND IN KITCHENS

~ If you don’t like my cooking, lower your standards.

~ This is a self-cleaning kitchen – you use it, you clean it yourself.

– There are two choices for supper in this kitchen – take it or leave it.

~ Don’t criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

~ Kitchen closed due to illness…I’m sick of cooking!

“Cleanin’ and dustin’ can wait for tomorrow.
Babies grow up, I’ve learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; dust go to sleep
I’m rockin’ my baby and babies don’t keep!”

One Liner
Have you ever noticed that when people say, “To make a long story short …” it’s too late?

A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $100, she was outraged.

“I only pay 70 bucks for my own haircut!” she said.

The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?”

One Liner
The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don’t drive any better during the week.

Little Johnny’s mom was worried.  She hadn’t seen her elderly neighbor, Mrs. Goldbaum, in days.

She asked: “Johnny, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Goldbaum is?”

A few minutes later, Johnny returned.

Mom: “Well, is she all right?”

Johnny: “She’s fine, except that she’s mad at you.”

Mom: “At me?  Whatever for?”

Johnny: “She said its none of your business how old she is.”

One Liner
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought dogs are easily amused. Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to the next town?” 

The local, scratched his head, “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.

“I’m driving,” said the stranger.

“Well, that’s the quickest way.”

One Liner
I called my financial adviser this morning and asked him what I should be buying. He said, “Canned goods and ammunition.”

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”

“What was that?” the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.”

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”

One Liner
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

Faced with hard times, the company offered a bonus of one thousand dollars to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money.

The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to ten dollars. 

One Liner
Live as though it were your last day on Earth. Some day you will be right!