ST. PATRICK’S DAY GROANERS

Rim shots provided free of charge.

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day?
A: Real rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they’re always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He’s Dublin over with laughter.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick’s Day?
A: St. O’Claus.

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they’re green with envy.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame.

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they’re very short-tempered.

“I married an Irishman on St. Patrick’s Day.”
“Oh, really?”
“No, O’Reilly!”

One Liner
Reading at the beach makes you well-red.

Doctors were told to contribute to the construction of a new hospital wing at the hospital. What was their reaction?

The allergists voted to scratch it.
The dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
The gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it.
The neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
The ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
The orthopedists issued a joint resolution.
The pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!”
The pediatricians said, “Grow up.”
The proctologists said, “We are in arrears.”
The psychiatrists thought it was madness.
The surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The radiologists could see right through it.
The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow.
The plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”
The podiatrists thought it was a big step forward.
The urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.
The cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

One Liner
To make a long story short … don’t tell it.

My wife had never been to a baseball game, so I took her to see the Los Angeles Dodgers one night.

Our seats were right behind the third-base line. At the top of the first inning, the batter hit a foul ball.

Miraculously, I managed to catch it on the fly.

As I sat down, breathless with excitement, my wife turned to me and said, “That was nice. How many of those do you get a game?”

One Liner
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

In Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

One Liner
Pride goeth before a downsizing.

One Sunday a pastor found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word, “Fool.”

Quietly and with becoming seriousness he shared the letter with the congregation and announced: “I have known many an instance of a person writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of someone signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.”

One Liner
My weight is perfect for my height – which varies. 

A story told by a chemistry professor:

A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over.  After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

Puzzled, the student asked the purpose of this action.

“It will give me time to run away,” said the professor.

One Liner
One good turn gets most of the blankets. 

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That’s ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, If high fructose corn syrup didn’t make me fat, what did?

Wife: (drolly) Going back for thirds.

One Liner
Press any key…no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

She had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift.  

“Aha,” she thought, “I have that monogrammed silver tray from my wedding that I never use. I’ll just take it to a silversmith and have him remove my monogram and put hers on it.  Voila, one cheap wedding present.”

She took it to the silversmith and asked him to remove her monogram and put the new one on.  The silversmith examined the tray carefully, shook his head and said, “Lady, this can only be done so many times!”

One Liner
Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. 

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh no, no, no – you’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!” 

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” 

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.” 

One Liner
Opportunities are never lost; someone is sure to take the ones you miss.

The doctor told me “Physical exercise is good for you.” I know that I should do it, since my body is so out of shape. So I have worked out this easy daily program I can do anywhere: 

Monday: 
Beat around the bush. 
Jump to conclusions. 
Climb the walls. 
Wade through paperwork. 

Tuesday: 
Drag my heels. 
Push my luck. 
Make mountains out of mole hills. 
Hit the nail on the head. 

Wednesday: 
Bend over backwards. 
Jump on the band wagon. 
Balance the books. 
Run around in circles. 

Thursday: 
Toot my own horn. 
Climb the ladder of success. 
Pull out the stops. 
Add fuel to the fire. 

Friday: 
Open a can of worms. 
Put my foot in my mouth. 
Start the ball rolling. 
Go over the edge. 

Saturday: 
Pick up the pieces. 

Whew! 
What a workout!