One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?”

Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

One Liner
I’d like to be the ideal mother, but I’m too busy raising my kids.

Thought for the day
“In the same way that you gave me a mission in the world, I give them a mission in the world.” (John 17:18 MSG)

Jesus released the disciples to serve God’s purposes.

As a parent, I am responsible to protect my kids as they’re growing up, but that doesn’t mean I protect them from taking risks for the glory of God. You can be so over-protective that you do not release your kids emotionally or maybe even physically to do what God wants them to.

The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

“But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”

“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.

“No problem,” the sales clerk answered. “Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That’s why this suit is only thirty dollars.”

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit’s left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

“Good grief,” the first doctor said to the second, “look at that poor crippled fellow.”

“Yeah,” answered the second doctor. “But doesn’t that suit fit great?”

One Liner
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”

Thought for the day
“For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many”(Mark 10:45 NIV).

When we begin to follow Jesus, he empowers us for a life of service. The more we become like Jesus, the more we will serve others.

SLEEPING IN THE BARN

A Congressman and two friends – a rabbi and a Hindu holy man – had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening.”

With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.

“What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.

He replied, “I’m grateful to you, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.

“What’s wrong now?” the farmer asked.

The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the Congressman to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.

Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer’s door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood … the pig and the cow

One Liner
My memory is SO bad I changed my password to “incorrect.” That way when I enter the wrong one, it’ll tell me, “Your password is incorrect.”

Thought for the day
“Jesus went out as usual to the Mount of Olives, and his disciples followed him.” (Luke 22:39 NIV)

The location where you have your quiet time is also important. Your place ought to be a secluded place. This is a place where you can be alone, where it’s quiet, and where you will not be disturbed or interrupted.

The chaplain at a local nursery/kindergarten meets with the three- and four-year-olds once a week to tell them a Bible story. After talking about the resurrection, the week after Easter, one of the youngsters thought about the story very carefully. Finally she raised her hand, and sounding just like a little old lady, she asked, “And just how is Jesus doing these days?”

(This was told to me, just this way, by the little old lady who just happens to be the chaplain at the nursery/kindergarten at the church in our town. She was happy to assure the little girl that Jesus was doing just fine.)

One Liner
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Thought for the day
“Let us give up our work, our thoughts, our plans, ourselves, our lives, our loved ones, our influence, our all, right into His hand, and then, when we have given all over to Him, there will be nothing left for us to be troubled about, or to make trouble about.” – James Hudson Taylor

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash.”

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn’t even know you had a farm. Where is it?”

With her last breath, Granny whispered, “Facebook…”

One Liner
It’s not what a teen knows that concerns his parents, it’s how he found out.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit change your way of thinking” (Ephesians 4:23 CEV).

We must change the way we think

CONFUCIUS SAYS…..

“Man who run in front of car get tired”
“Man who run behind car get exhausted”
“Two wrongs not make a right – Three lefts do”
“Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.”
“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”
“Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement”

One Liner
I’m sorry the resurrection of Jesus was a miracle and not a service of this cemetery

Thought for the day
“If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.” (2 Timothy 2:21 NLT)

God uses all kinds of vessels — big vessels and little vessels, ornate vessels and plain vessels, very expensive ones and very ordinary ones. But there is one thing God will not use: a dirty vessel. So if you’re going to be used by God, you have to do some cleanup.

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two “husband chairs” in a ladies’ clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow’s wife came out of the changing room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: “That looks good on you. Get that one.”

“Honey,” she replied, “this is what I was wearing when we came in.”

One Liner
“Invent a wise saying and live forever!” – Anonymous

Thought for the day
“I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t, and the demons can’t. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38-39 NLT).

Anyone who has accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior has no reason to be insecure. God will never stop loving you; he will never reject you. You may lose the things you have in this world, but you will never lose the salvation God has given to you.

“How did you lose your job at the dress shop?” a woman asked her friend.

“Well, after trying on about 25 dresses, the customer said to me, ‘I think I’d look nicer in something flowing.'”

“How did that get you fired?” she asked

I suggested, “How about the Mississippi?”

One Liner
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Thought for the day
“If we confess our sins to God, he will keep his promise and do right: he will forgive us our sins and purify us from all our wrongdoing” (1 John 1:9 TEV).

How do you do that? You do it through confession. Augustine said, “The confession of bad works is the beginning of good works.”

PRISON LIFE VS FULL-TIME JOB

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens.
At work there are managers.

Famous Last Words (part 1)

“Are you sure the power is off?”
“Don’t be so superstitious.”
“He’s probably just hibernating.”
“I can do that with my eyes closed.”
“I wonder where the mother bear is?”
“I’ll get a world record for this.”
“I’ll hold it and you light the fuse.”
“And that one over there, the red flashing one, what does that mean?”
“I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“It’s fireproof.”
“It’s strong enough for both of us.”
“I’ve done this before.”

One Liner
“Money isn’t everything – just look at Henry Ford with all those millions and he never owned a Cadillac!”

Thought for the day
The Bible explains the root of evil: “This is the crisis we’re in: God’s light streamed into the world, but men and women everywhere ran for the darkness … because they were not really interested in pleasing God” (John 3:19, Message). We’re far more interested in pleasing ourselves than we are in pleasing the one who made us.