I have been to a lot of places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips, thanks to my friends and family.

One Liner
The right note, played at the wrong time, is a wrong note.

Thought for the day
God is faithful, by whom you were called into the fellowship of his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.  I Corinthians 1:9 ESV

“When discouragement sets in and you feel unheard – when you are forced to wait on God – when you find yourself caught between faith and a hard place – when there is nothing there… no evidence of God’s miracle on the horizon – remember that God is faithful, powerful, and responsive. He has seen you through trials in the past and He will see you through trials in the future. Even in the challenges you face now, you are seen, you are heard, and He is able.” – Gwen Smith 

Joey walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joey, “Remember when you told me you’d give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?” Dad nodded.

“Well,” said Joey, “The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks.”

One Liner
“I sure miss the day when someone else pumped your gas for you – it was much cheaper back then.”

Thought for the day
“If my life is motivated by my ambition to leave a legacy, what I’ll probably leave as a legacy is ambition. But if my life is motivated by the power of the Spirit in my life; if I live in the awareness of the indwelling Christ; if I allow His presence to guide my actions, to guide my motives…that’s the only time I think that we really leave a great legacy. That which is born of the flesh is flesh and that which is born of the Spirit is Spirit.” – Rich Mullins, the “Awesome God” guy 

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: “Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed.”

One Liner
“Doctor, Doctor! My husband makes me boiling mad!”

“Now, just simmer down.”

Thought for the day
Colossians 3:12 says, “[A]s God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience” (NIV). 

Because we know how much God loves us, we can demonstrate compassion, kindness, humility and patience with others. And that’s exactly what the church has been called to do. It’s the place for the broken, the place for those whose lives don’t work out as they should. 

“Razor Request”

Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, “Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?”

The barber replies “Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?”

Ronnie said, “Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself.”

One Liner
“Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.”

Thought for the day
Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1–2 (NIV)

No matter what you’ve ever done, there is no condemnation in Christ. He sits at the Father’s right hand, not as an accuser, but as an advocate willing to give his life for you.

Ruth and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.

Ruth begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is a lawyer and she has three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.” 

Ruth says, “No children? … and no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

One Liner
“No, I’m not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?”

Thought for the day
“You search the Scriptures because you believe they give you eternal life. And the Scriptures point to me!” (John 5:39 NLT)

We’re not really studying the Bible until we do two things. First, write down what we’ve learned, and, second, talk it over with others. God will change your life when you do these two things.

“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Becky on Valentines Day.

“Mmm hmm,” grunted Dave.

“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl on the planet?” 

“Mmm hmm.”

“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Oh Dave,” gushed Becky, “you say the most beautiful things!”

One Liner
Here’s to love – the only fire for which there is no insurance.

Thought for the day
“God, are you avoiding me? Where are you when I need you?” (Psalm 10:1 MSG)

We all hit walls at times in our relationship with God.  We simply can’t judge our quiet times by emotions. Why? Emotions lie. Feelings come and go. Some days it’ll feel like heaven just opened up for you, and you have a great time with God. Then there are other days your quiet time will seem ordinary and bland. Don’t expect to have great and glorious experiences every single morning. The issue is consistency.

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted.

“I haven’t added them up yet.”

One Liner
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.

Thought for the day
“Some men arrived carrying a paraplegic on a stretcher. They were looking for a way to get into the house and set him before Jesus. When they couldn’t find a way in because of the crowd, they went up on the roof, removed some tiles, and let him down in the middle of everyone, right in front of Jesus. Impressed by their bold belief, he said, ‘Friend, I forgive your sins.’” (Luke 5:18-20 MSG)

No one is hopeless. When the four friends looked at the paralytic’s condition, they could have responded in doubt: What could Jesus do? Instead, they believed God could heal him — they had faith. The Bible said the paralytic’s sins were forgiven when Jesus saw the faith of the four friends.

There are people all around us who are paralyzed — not necessarily physically paralyzed, but a paralyzed faith. Whether they’re paralyzed by doubts, loneliness, fear, or anything else, the result is the same: They need the faith of the others. 

A Marine Corps drill instructor had just chewed out a new recruit. At the end of his rant, he said, “I guess when I die you’ll come and dance on my grave.”

The kid said, “Not me, sir. I promised myself that when I got out of the Marines, I’d never stand in another line.”

One Liner
Really??? Paper beats rock?! Next time someone says, “I’ll throw a rock at you,” just try to only hold up a piece of paper!

Thought for the day
“Anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13 (LB)

Jesus doesn’t say he’s a good way, or a nice way, or even the best way. He says, “I’m it.”

Little Dewey was one of those holy terrors. 

His dad was surprised when Dewey’s mom suggested that they buy him a bike for his birthday.

“Do you really believe that’ll help improve his behavior?” he said.

“Well, no,” she admitted, “But it’ll spread it over a wider area.”

One Liner
“I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t like you.”

Thought for the day
“But people who aren’t Christians can’t understand these truths from God’s Spirit. It all sounds foolish to them because only those who have the Spirit can understand what the Spirit means.” (1 Corinthians 2:14 NLT)

You have the Holy Spirit inside you. You have the ability to understand when God is telling you to take steps toward his goals for your life. Ask him to teach you to hear his still small voice and to help you take the steps he tells you to take. Then, look for the ways he guides you through the decisions and details of your life.