Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

One Liner
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …”

What Paul is saying is that you don’t want to give up because heaven is watching and cheering for you. That’s encouraging news!

Three friends — a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician — were discussing which profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said: “Eve was created from Adam’s rib – a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!”

The engineer replied: “Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the oldest.”

Then the politician said, “Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?”

One Liner
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall.

Thought for the day
“All the people saw this and began to complain, ‘Jesus is staying with a sinner!’” Luke 19:7 (NCV)

No matter what other people say about you, what matters is what God says about you. Everyone called Zacchaeus a sinner, but Jesus affirmed him and called by his name, “pure one.”

“Sermon Overtime”

The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, “Well, I’ve gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge.”

One Liner
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing and the lawn mower is broken.”

Thought for the day
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

This also means God won’t let you use weaknesses as an excuse for not doing what he’s asking you to do.

Grandma was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before.

After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!”

I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

One Liner
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Thought for the day
“… but deliver us from evil.” (Matthew 6:13 NIV)

The things that are out of your control are not out of God’s control. So pray!

Leading by Example

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

When I do it without being told, I’m trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that’s brown-nosing.
When my
boss pleases his boss, that’s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

One Liner
“It could be worse: there could be 35 teachers for every student.”

Thought for the day
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Romans 5:6 (NIV)

Even when we were still powerless, Jesus came to guide us home and to give us an exceedinlg, abaundant life on our journey there. “…When we were still powerless …” suggests we now have power to live that abundant life, to follow Jesus into our destiny – and we do! But it is the power of Jesus working in and through us, not a power we earned or developed on our own.

Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do.” his mother insisted through gritted teeth. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house,” Dewey explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”

One Liner
“A church member waiting to be asked to serve in his own church is just like the member of a family waiting to be invited to pull weeds in front of the house where he lives.”

Thought for the day
“Then Jesus said to her, ‘Your sins are forgiven. …Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” Luke 7:48, 50 (NIV)

Jesus takes our sins seriously and he also takes forgiveness seriously. We need to do the same

A man has to take on up a sport at the advice of his doctor, so he decides
to play tennis.

After a couple of weeks his buddy asks him how he’s doing. “It’s going fine”,
the manager says, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards
me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash!
Go back!”

“Really? What happens then?” his friend asks enthusiastically.

“Then my body says: Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!”

One Liner 
When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When
planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

Thought for the day
There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. Psalm 46:4

The river of God, is a metaphor for the presence of God, the grace of God, the favor of God that blesses and gladdens His people’s hearts.

Sandra was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection, and the traffic behind her starting growing.

The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Sandra continued to try getting the car to start up again.

Finally Sandra got out of her car and approached the guy in the car behind her.

“I can’t seem to get my car started,” Sandra said, smiling. “Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I’ll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you.”

One Liner
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common – they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.”

Thought for the day
Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith …”

What Paul is saying is that you don’t want to give up because heaven is watching and cheering for you. That’s encouraging news!

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

“Is it true that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?”

The cousin smirked and replied, “Depends on how fast ya carry the flashlight.”

One Liner
When your parakeet sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Thought for the day
Why do you notice the little piece of dust in your friend’s eye, but you don’t notice the big piece of wood in your own eye? First, take the wood out of your own eye. Then you will see clearly to take the dust out of your friend’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5 NCV)

When you are faced with a conflict, instead of accusing, attacking, or blaming the other person, begin with humility. This is true even if the conflict is 90% their fault.

Each person has their blindspots – No one is perfect and there are things we do that contribute toward a conflict that we have difficulty seeing.

Before you start attacking and blaming, Do a frank evaluation and ask, “How much of this conflict is my fault?” When you’re wrong, admit it. And when you’re right, shut up!

Coping with Life

Below are several things you can do to help keep a healthy level of insanity in your life… 🙂 🙂

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “in”

5. Put decaff in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for blackmail.”

7. Don’t use any punctuation marks

8. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

9. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

10. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won!”, “I won!” “3rd time this week!!!!!”

11. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “run for your lives, they’re loose!!”

One Liner
“A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.”

Thought for the day
“Much of the Church body today is trying to receive from God through prayers and petitions, but they are not in fellowship; they are not in obedience. Jesus said loving Him involved obeying Him: ‘If ye love me, keep my commandments.’ (John 14:15).

Fellowship with God involves being obedient to Him, not out of ‘Phariseeism’ or legalism, but out of a heart that wants to know and be in fellowship with God by faith. Fellowship with the Father, fellowship with the Word, who is the Son, and fellowship with the Holy Spirit is what God desires.” – Henry Wright