The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. “How many of you,” he asked, “would say you’re opposed to war?”
    
Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked, “who’ll give us the reason for being opposed to war?”

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.
“Johnny?” The teacher said.

“I hate war,” Johnny said, “because wars make history, and I hate history.”

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
“Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think” (Romans 12:2 NLT).

The New Testament calls this mental shift repentance, which in Greek literally means, “to change your mind.” You repent whenever you change the way you think by adopting how God thinks–about yourself, sin, God, other people, life, your future, and everything else. You take on Christ’s outlook and perspective.

Pet Pet-Peeves

1. Dog: “They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.”

2. Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

3. Cat: “Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it’s curtains.”

4. Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease — but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?”

5. Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

6. Dog: “What the … HEY!!! I didn’t even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!”

7. Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There’s* a new one!”

One Liner
“Laughter is by definition healthy.” — Doris Lessing

Thought for the Day
Hebrews 10:24 and “think of ways to encourage one anther to outbursts of love and good deeds” (NLT).

Who do you need to encourage? Take a moment to consider someone you know who might be feeling neglected or overlooked. Maybe it’s somebody in your office, school or neighborhood.

Consider ways to encourage them – maybe write them a quick note or take them out to lunch.

Those small acts have the power to change not only their lives, but yours as well. Instead of turning inward and allowing neglect to eat away at you, turn outward and use God’s power in your life to serve others. It’s ministry, it’s powerful, and it makes a difference.

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was taken care of.
 
He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner of the sofa and fell asleep.
 
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
 
The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot on the sofa and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.
 
Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’
 
The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ‘He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?’

One Liner
Why do we choose from just two people to run for President and fifty for Miss America?

Thought for the day
“Now you belong to him … in order that you might be useful in the service of God.” Romans 7:4 TEV)

Anytime you use your God-given abilities to help others, you are fulfilling your calling. 

EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

7. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

8. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

One Liner
On the other hand, nostalgia ain’t what it used to be. 

Thought for the day
“For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished” Matthew 5:18 NIV

Jesus says the Bible will last until the end of time. It will accomplish what God wants to accomplish in this world. 

Check your bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.

Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

“For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn’t you at all – $125.”

One Liner
Rearrange the letters in SLOT MACHINES and you get CASH LOST IN ME.

Thought for the day
2 Timothy 3:16 says, “All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness” (NIV).

The Bible is the most read book in history. It’s also the bestselling book in history and the most translated book in history.

Yet it’s more than that. It’s also God’s Word — God’s very breath. 

A young woman woke up one morning and told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it, only to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

One Liner
Love may not make the world spin around, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy.

Thought for the day
“But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves.” (James 1:22 NLT)

Christian meditation means thinking about Scripture. You meditate on Scripture in the same way a cow chews her cud: by chewing on it and chewing on it and chewing on it.

Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.

One says, “My dad’s a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it.”

Another says, “My dad’s a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it.” 

The third says, “My dad’s a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money.”

One Liner
The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

Thought for the day
Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22–23 (NIV)

 Since God’s compassion starts new every morning, you will never reach a point where his supply of love is exhausted

SIGNS YOU’RE GETTING OLDER

~ You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).

~ You keep repeating yourself.

~ You discover bifocals are stylish.

~ When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.

~ Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.

~ You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

~ Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”

~ People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.

~ Your social security number only has three digits.

~ In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

~ Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

~ No one expects you to run into a burning building.

~ Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.

~ People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

~ There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

~ Things you buy now won’t wear out.

~ You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

One Liner
I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 2:9, “You are a chosen people” (NIV). That ought to raise your self-esteem! Christ has accepted you — not based on your performance, something that you earned, or something that you deserve. God simply says, “I chose you.”

If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,

doesn’t it follow that. . .

electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?

Wouldn’t you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?

Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.

And won’t all composers one day decompose?

On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.

One Liner
Good teachers are those who can challenge young minds without losing their own.

Thought for the day
“Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes” (Ephesians 4:23 NLT, second edition).

Let me sum it up this way: You are not what you think you are. Rather, what you think, you are.

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
 
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a restaurant. Upon arriving, he ordered a drink and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”
 
The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”
 
After a couple of drinks, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”
 
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he fell into the pool by accident.
 
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

One Liner
Vampire Bat:
What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Thought for the day
Psalm 46:10 says, “Let go of your concerns! Then you will know that I am God. I rule the nations. I rule the earth” (GW).

I don’t know what you’re going to face this week. You don’t, either. But I can already tell you what God wants you to do:  Let go, and know! God is in control!!