A man who was riding on a bus went up to the driver and whispered in his ear, “That man back there sitting across from us is scaring my wife and children to death. He’s crazy! He claims he is George Washington.”

“Thanks for telling me, mister,” the bus driver said. “I’ll take care of him.”

At the next stop the driver shouted loud and clear, “This stop, Mt. Vernon.”

One Liner
My body is a temple…a really big temple.

Thought for the day
God says there is an antidote to our indecision. Psalm 23:3 tells us, “He guides me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.” We handle the stress of decision-making by letting God guide us.

A little boy is telling his Grandma how “everything” is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.

She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.

“Here, have some cooking oil.”

“Yuck” says the boy.

“How about a couple raw eggs? “

“Gross, Grandma!”

“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”

“Grandma, those are all yucky!”

To which Grandma replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!”

She continued, “God works the same way in our lives.”

One Liner
The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

Thought for the day
“When you extend hospitality to Christian brothers and sisters, even when they are strangers, you make the faith visible” (3 John 1:5 MSG).

When we invest our money in developing relationships within the Church, it points others to God. In other words, when you invest in the fellowship of your church, it helps bring people to Christ.

Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

“I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!” the first one said.

“Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing,” the other woman commented. “But I broke him of that habit real quick.”

“What did you do?”

“I hid his teeth!”

One Liner
A true shepherd smells like the sheep.

Thought for the day
“So let’s keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you’ll see it yet! Now that we’re on the right track, let’s stay on it.” (Philippians 3:15-16 MSG)

Imagine if God created you to be the Michelangelo of this age, but you stayed so busy doing all kinds of things — good things — that you never got around to painting and sculpting.

You’d end up missing the best because you got distracted chasing the good.

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church’s marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, “Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.”

The minister inquired trips to where? “For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.”

The minister then said, “What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Ralph. Please tell the audience what you’re going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?”

Brother Ralph: “I’m going back to get her.”

One Liner
“If you’re ever attacked by a circus, go for the juggler.”

Thought for the day
Psalm 34:8 says, “Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” (NLT). That’s great news! When I trust in God — or take refuge in him — he brings joy. Instead of thinking of what we have to give up when we trust and obey God, the Lord wants us to remember the joy we’ll find when we obey.

It’s a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! “Who’s been eating my porridge?” he roars.

Mommy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and screams, “For Pete’s sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven’t made the porridge yet!!”

One Liner
The devil cannot get a stronghold on your life unless you give him a foothold.

Thought for the day
You have an audience. Nothing you do is private. Nothing you have ever done has been hidden from heaven. God sees it all. As Job says, “He sees everything I do, and every step I take” (Job 31:4 LB). And Jesus tells us, “Every hair on your head has been counted” (Luke 12:7 GW). God knows every detail of your life. He watches every breath you take; there are no secrets in your life.

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.

The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, wanna play house?”

He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

The girl replies, “I want you to communicate,” and he says to her, “that word is too big. I have no idea what it means.”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

One Liner
“I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.”

Thought for the day
do what Proverbs 3 says: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Be patient. God knows what He’s doing. God knows what is best for you. He can see the end result. You can’t. All those problems, heartaches, difficulties and delays—all the things that make you ask “why”—one day will all be clear in the light of God’s love.

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”

The first old guy said, “Yes, I had three riders today.”

The second old guy said, “I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The third old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”

The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.” ‘

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

One Liner
But for venetian blinds, it would be curtains for us all.

Thought for the day
Every time you start to feel bitterness towards someone, remember Jesus on the cross, how he loved you enough to give his life so your sins can be forgiven. He was rejected and insulted as he hung there, but he looked at everyone and prayed, “Father, forgive them. They do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 NIV).

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 (or who feel like it)

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

One Liner
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it has stopped snowing.

Thought for the day
“You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

It’s tough being rejected, especially when it is by someone you love. It might be one of your kids, your spouse, or a close friend. But the Bible says you need to forgive that person because God forgave you.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awoke him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”

One Liner
“My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.”

Thought for the day
The Lord gave me this answer, ‘Write down clearly…what I reveal to you…’” (Habakkuk 2:2 TEV)

Writing down what God reveals to us is the spiritual habit of journaling. This is not the same as keeping a diary. A diary is, ‘Dear diary, this is what I did today.’ A journal is, ‘This is what I learned today.’ So it’s not about what you did, it’s about what you are learning, what you are praying, and what God is saying to you.

Two women were walking down a street when they spotted a frog. The frog looked up and said, “I used to be a handsome, wealthy stockbroker, but I was turned into a frog. If one of you kisses me, I will be turned back into my original self. And I will be mighty grateful.”

One of the women stooped down, picked up the frog and placed him in her purse. The two friends walked on for a while, but the other finally got curious and said, “Aren’t you going to kiss the frog and turn him back to what he was?”

“Nah,” she replied. “I’d rather have a talking frog.”

One Liner
“When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.”

Thought for the day
When we obey God, even in small ways, “we find ourselves standing where we always hoped we might stand—out in the wide open spaces of God’s grace and glory, standing tall and shouting our praise.” (Romans 5:2 MSG)