“I have e-mail, a pager, a cell phone, a fax line. I’ve got an answering machine, three phone lines at home, one in my purse, and a phone in my car. The only excuse I have if I don’t return your call is I just don’t like you.”

One liner
I had an uncle who was the most polite man who ever lived. He was so polite, his tombstone reads, “Pardon me for not standing.”

Thought for the day
God asked. “Did you eat the fruit that I told you not to eat?” The man answered, “The woman you put here with me gave me the fruit, and I ate it.” The LORD God asked the woman, “Why did you do this?” She replied, “The snake tricked me into eating it.” Genesis 3:11-13 (TEV)

When God found Adam eating fruit in the garden, Adam stood up like a man and blamed it on Eve. Eve, wanting to set a better example, blamed it on the snake. And in the twisted, pretzel logic only a snake can have, the snake — in a sense — blamed it on God.

Embedded in our fallen nature is the instinct to not only dodge the blame ourselves, but also shift the blame to someone or something else.

THE GOLDBERG BROTHERS – THE INVENTORS OF THE AUTOMOBILE AIR CONDITIONER

The four Goldberg brothers – Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max – invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot One to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label – The Goldberg Air-Conditioner – on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was proud of the Ford name, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

One Liner
“Ever since the invention of the calendar man’s days have been numbered.”

Thought for the day
Proverbs 23:7 As a man thinketh in his heart so he is. The way you think will dictate everything else about your life

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”

“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”

One Liner
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 

Thought for the day
“Cast your bread upon the waters, for you will find it after many days” (Ecclesiastes 11:1 RSV).

Whatever you give to God, he multiplies.

A former Marine sergeant took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him. They decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made the teacher’s tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

One Liner
The batteries were given out free of charge.

Thought for the day
1 Thessalonians 2:12, “You should live in a way that proves you belong to the God who calls you into his kingdom and glory” (GW).

What does it mean to live in God’s Kingdom? It means you make God’s agenda your agenda. You make God’s will your will. You care about what God cares about. Whatever you want God to bless, put him first in that area.

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: “Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake.”

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, “Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!”

“No,” Chuck replied, “I’m just a lousy golfer.”

One Liner
“Time’s fun when you’re having flies.” (Kermit the Frog)

Thought for the day
“Accept each other just as Christ has accepted you so that God will be given glory” Romans 15:7 NLT

Did you know that every time you show love, it gives glory to God? Because God is love, and glory is revealing what God is really like.

The two window panes were arguing as to which one was made of the better glass.

One said to the other, “Well, you may think you are a better glass, but I know what you are trying to prove. Believe me, I can see right through you.”

One Liner
It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.

Thought for the day
“Whoever is faithful in small matters will be faithful in large ones; whoever is dishonest in small matters will be dishonest in large ones.” (Luke 16:10 GNT)

A common saying today is that “what you do in your private life is nobody’s business.” Well, it actually is. What you do in your private life — what you do behind closed doors or out of view of other people — builds and reveals your true character. And God sees it just as clearly as the things you do in public.

A social worker who had recently transferred from the big city to the mountains was touring her new territory. She came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen. Intrigued, she knocked on the door.

“Anybody home?”

A child’s voice answered, “Yep.”

“Is your father there?”

“Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in.”

“Well, is your mother there?”

“Nope, Ma left just before I got here.”

“Are you never together as a family?”

“Sure, but not here. This is the outhouse!”

One Liner
“Biscuits and sermons both improve with shortening.”

Thought for the day
The Bible says in 1 Peter 4:10, “God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another”.

When you use your abilities to help each other, God is glorified.

The boy forgot his lines in the Sunday School music and drama presentation. His mother, sitting in the front row tried to prompt him, gesturing and forming the words silently with her lips, but it didn’t help. Her son’s memory was blank.

Finally she leaned forward and whispered the cue, “I am the light of the world.”

The child beamed with acknowledgment and in a loud, clear voice so that everyone in the congregation could hear said, “My Mommy is the light of the world.”

One Liner
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Thought for the day
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

The Bible teaches we can have contentment “whatever the circumstances”, when we stay close to Jesus. The contentment we find in Jesus is greater than anything the world has to offer. We need not be troubled or afraid when we look for our contentment in Jesus.

BABY NAME IDEAS, Part 2

Based on your occupation!

PROFESSION……………………NAME

Cattle thief’s son…………….Russell
Painter’s son…………………Art
Iron worker’s son……………..Rusty
TV show star’s daughter………..Emmy
Movie star’s son………………Oscar
Barber’s son………………….Harry
Housewife’s son ………………Dusty
Minister’s daughter …………..Faith
Day-trader’s daughter …………Hope
Televangelist’s daughter ………Charity
IRS agent’s daughter ………….Mony
Geneticist’s son ……………..Gene
Espresso vendor’s son …………Joe
Undertaker’s son ……………..Barry
Beautician’s son ……………..Curly
Gardener’s son ……………….Moe
Florist’s daughter ……………Rose

One Liner
“It’s not a bug – it’s just an undocumented feature”

Thought for the day
“Pursue forgiveness, not innocence.” – Max Lucado

BABY NAME IDEAS, Part 1

Based on your occupation!

PROFESSION……………………NAME

Lawyer’s daughter……………..Sue

Thief’s son…………………..Rob

Lawyer’s son………………….Will

Doctor ‘s son…………………Bill

Meteorologist’s daughter……….Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son…….Doug

Hair stylist’s son…………….Bob

Homeopathic doctor’s son……….Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter…Mary

Sound stage technician’s son……Mike

Hot-dog vendor’s son…………..Frank

Gambler’s daughter…………….Bette

Exercise guru’s son……………Jim

One Liner
“If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?”

Thought for the day
Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:17 (NLT)

Here’s the key: God’s will for your life begins with a friendship. God is far more interested in having you establish a relationship with him than he is interested in having you follow a set of rules.