As his parents watched from the patio, a little boy played baseball by himself in the back yard. Of course this amounted to tossing a ball into the air and attempting to hit it with his bat. As he did so he proclaimed to no one in particular, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” Unfortunately, he missed the ball and, since he was the umpire too, regretfully announced, “Strike one.” Undaunted the little fellow picked up the ball, threw it back into the air and said, “I’m the greatest baseball hitter ever!” With even greater intensity he swung the bat but all he caught was air for his efforts. “Strike two,” he said. The boy paused a moment, examined the bat and ball carefully, and then for a third time threw the ball into the air. “I’m the greatest hitter in the history of baseball,” he said. This time he swung for all he was worth, but just like the other two attempts, he missed. “Strike three,” he mumbled. Then the boy sat for a moment considering what had just happened. After a minute or so, he turned to his parents and much to their surprise said, “Wow, I just struck out the greatest hitter in the world! I must be the greatest pitcher of all time.”

One Liner
So yesterday my friend texts me and asked, “What does IDK mean?” So I answered, “I don’t know.” My friend texts me back: “OMG nobody knows!”

Thought for the day
“May your kingdom come, may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven …” Matthew 6:7-9 (NCV)

You’ll find success in life when you stop trying to include God in your plans and instead ask God to include you in his.“

WIFE’S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “Nothing…” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND’S DIARY:

A two-foot putt … WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt! 

One Liner
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.

Thought for the day
“If you … know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” (Matthew 7:11 NIV)

God is the source of everything. Everything you see in the world and everything you can’t see in the world and in the universe, God made. He’s the source of every good thing in the universe.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP, part 2

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Don’t believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Don’t drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

~ Don’t swim with piranhas or sharks.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One LINER
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Thought for the day
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

When we no longer worry, when we pray about everything, when we give thanks, when we focus on the right things, the apostle Paul tells us the result is, “The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:7 NLT).

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP, part 1

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world’s largest ball of twine.

~ Don’t jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home–eat out more.

~ Don’t have eight children at once.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

One LINER
Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

Thought for the day
For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 1 Corinthians 2:2 (NIV)

If you’re thinking about making some a New Year’s Resolutions, consider this one from The Apostle: “This year I resolve to know nothing but Christ and him crucified.”

‘Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The bread and the cheese,
And the way I’d never said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So–away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie–not even a lick,
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One LINER
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter…I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.

Thought for the day  
“Whatever happens, dear brothers and sisters, may the Lord give you joy …” Philippians 3:1 (NLT)
God says you’ll find joy, when you trust that he’s in control and working to use the good – and the bad – of your life for a greater purpose.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

Sam

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office.

One Liner
As I walk in the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I think to myself, “This place obviously wasn’t named by a real-estate developer.”

TOP TEN PREDICTIONS for 2017
 
10. The Bible Will Still Have The Answers
 
9. Prayer Will Still Work
 
8. The Holy Spirit Will Still Move Throughout The World
 
7. God Will Still Inhabit The Praises Of His People
 
6. There Will Still Be God-Anointed Preaching
 
5. The Church Will Still Grow
 
4. God Will Still Pour Out Blessings On His People
 
3. There Will Still Be Room At The Cross
 
2. Jesus Will Still Love You
 
1. Jesus Will Still Save The Lost
 
Be glad some things never change!

One Liner
Christians are like tea; their strength is drawn out by hot water.

Thought for the Day
1 John 2:15-16
Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes, and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.

Love for the world and things can get you in trouble. Some people even think they will make us happy or fill the empty places in our hearts.

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”
 
The man groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.
 
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
 
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.
 
Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.
 
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s our name?”
 
“Sam,” the man moaned.
 
“Where ya from, Sam?”
 
With pain in his voice Sam replied “the balcony.”

One Liner
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Boo 
Boo Who?
Boo Who, I didn’t want to make you cry!

The Twelve Thank-you Notes of Christmas  
(What could have happened with “The 12 Days of Christmas”)
 
Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in
that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic
present! Bless you, and thank you.
 
Your deeply loving,
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Dec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the
pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!
 
With undying love, as always,
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
Dec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending
anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France?
It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some.
Anyway, thank-you so much; they’re lovely.
 
Your devoted,
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Dec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very
sweet, even if they do call rather loudly – they make telephoning almost
impossible – but I expect they’ll calm down when they get used to their
new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.
 
Love from Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Dec. 29
Dearest Edward,
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for
each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present!
Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking
after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row,
and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she
wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense
of humour. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she
means. Still, I love the rings.
 
Bless you,
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Dec. 30
Dear Edward,
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the
porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds.
We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I
know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?
 
Love,
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Dec. 31
Edward,
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more
than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d
rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems
to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so
please, please, stop!
 
Your Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Jan 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And
their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find
it very amusing.
 
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Jan. 2
Look here, Edward,
This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing.
All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not
ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of
shameless viragos, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who
get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),
kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!
 
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Jan 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and
the cows got at it. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us
evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
 
Emily
 
—————————————————————–
 
Jan 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now
become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the
council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in
an ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you’re satisfied.
 
—————————————————————–
 
Jan 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with
the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire
percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of
their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an
injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making
arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.
 
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law