WORST THINGS TO SAY ON A FIRST DATE

~ I know we just met and this might seem a little sudden … but could I borrow five hundred dollars?

~ Go ahead and Super Size – I found spare change in the sofa today.

~ I don’t see my ex-girlfriend that much … thanks to the U.S. Department of Justice.

~ I had a good time tonight. I’d love to see you again in six to eight months with good behavior.

~ I really don’t like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

~ People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

One Liner
My wife turned the dishwasher into a snow shoveling device…she handed me a shovel.

Thought for the day
“If God says his chosen ones are acceptable to him, can anyone bring charges against them? Or can anyone condemn them? No indeed!” (Romans 8:33-34)

We need to stop thinking, “I’ve got an un-pleaseable God up there, and I’ve got to be a good boy or good girl to be accepted.” God, through Jesus Christ, has already accepted you. That’s the Good News!

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!”

One Liner
“When God is in your life, confession and repentance become the norm.” – David Jeremiah

Thought for the day
“Each of us is as close to God as we choose to be.” – Dr. Oswald Sanders

My boss’ son is five years old. He attended his first funeral with his family. I saw him on Sunday and asked him what he thought of it. His answer, “She was already dead when we got there.”

One Liner
“My mind contains many good ideas, but it is not always easy to squeeze one out.”

Thought for the day
“I can do everything through him who gives me strength” (Philippians 4:13 NIV). When Christ is inside you, you will have the power to do anything.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible – Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task – but he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, ‘The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”

One Liner
There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

Thought for the day
“Strengthen yourselves so that you will live here on earth doing what God wants, not evil things people want.” (1 Peter 4:2 NCV)

What are you doing to fortify your faith? Here are just a few things you could be doing:

Study the Bible.
Maintain a quiet time.
Read Christian books.
Keep your testimony fresh.
Be faithful to a small group of believers

I took Allison to the doctor for her 2-year-old check. They had her do coordination tests, like stacking blocks, and they watch and see if they walk properly. And then the doctor said, “Allison, can you stand on one foot for me?” And she walked over and stood on his foot.

One Liner
It’s so cold this morning…an Amish farmer bought an electric blanket.

Thought for the day
We can pray that our children will experience fellowship personally: “My prayer is that they will be of one heart and mind, just as You and I are one, Father … and the world will believe You sent Me” (John 17:21 LB).

Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget’s Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied…

One Liner
Politicians: People who, when they see the light at the end of the tunnel, order more tunnel.

Thought for the day
We build our lives on the Word of God, and we should teach our children to do the same. God’s Word is the truth. Jesus said, “… You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32, TEV)

Rules to live a long life:

– Don’t throw a brick straight up.

– Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

– Don’t microwave yourself too often.

– If you’re on a ball field and someone shouts “Heads up!” don’t actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

– No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

– When sticking thumbtacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

– Don’t take long naps while driving.

One Liner
“Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?”

Thought for the day
“Do your own work well, and then you will have something to be proud of. But don’t compare yourself with others.” Galatians 6:4 (CEV)

The Bible says we should never compare our financial circumstances to others. For one thing, it undermines your ability to be grateful for what God has given you. It also leads you into discontentment because you will always find people who appear to be better off than you.

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the Sunday School lesson was about. Daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”

Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.” Now it made sense.

One Liner
“No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.”
~Abraham Lincoln

Thought for the day
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

You may be facing a dead end right now—financial, emotional, relational—but if you will trust God and keep on moving in faith, even when you don’t see a way, he will make a way.

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

“As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say ‘$75.’

If his eyes don’t flutter, say, ‘For the frames. The lenses will be $50.’

If his eyes still don’t flutter, you add ‘Each.'”

One Liner
“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time – I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

Thought for the day
The Spirit of God uses the Word of God to make us like the Son of God. To become like Jesus, we must fill our lives with his Word. The Bible says, “Through the Word we are put together and shaped up for the tasks God has for us” (2 Timothy 3:17 MSG).

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked,

“To draw out all his savings?”

One Liner
I’m not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Thought for the day
Job said, “I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread” (Job 23:12 NIV). God’s Word is the spiritual nourishment you must have to fulfill your purpose.