TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS

~ Every time I went, they asked me for money.

~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn’t seem very friendly.

~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all.

~ The coach never came to call on me.

~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.

~ I was sitting with some hypocrites — they came only to see what others were wearing.

~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.

~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow.

~ I don’t want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

I’m about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout

John: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant. 

Adam: What do you want with an elephant?

John: Nothing, I just want the money.

One Liner

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. 

“Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?” 

“I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins,” replied Johnny. 

“Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?” 

“Oh Miss Rollins, I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

One Liner

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I’m beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet. 

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT WORK

– You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2025.

– You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

– You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

– People come into your office frequently…to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

– The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

– You forward this joke to friends.

One Liner

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

A man went to his Accountant and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” 

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the Accountant. 

“Nope,” replied the man. 

“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the Accountant. 

“But it’s only $500,” replied the man. 

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!” 

One Liner

Whoever said “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.

A little boy said he wanted a baby brother. His Dad smiled and suggested he pray for one.

The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but after a couple weeks with no baby brother, he didn’t bother to ask anymore.

A few months later Dad said Mom was in the hospital and had a surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw Mom holding two babies!

“Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?” Dad asked.

The little boy, in awe, said: “I’m glad I stopped praying when I did!”

One Liner

And yet again this morning, no one is standing next to my bed and saying, “Your Royal Highness, here is your coffee.”

Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one minister.

“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”

“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”

The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”

One Liner

If husbands and wives took turns delivering babies, and if the husband went first, families would only have 2 children.

As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.

Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas.

Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurse station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother ‘bananas’?”

One Liner

They should announce a sequel to the movie Groundhog Day and just re-release the original.

A naked man runs into a tailor’s shop.

The tailor says, “You can’t be in here with no clothes on!”

The man says, “Come on mister, cut me some slacks!”

One Liner

It isn’t easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.

WORD PLAYS

~ A man rushed into the doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

~ Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

~ A marine biologist developed a race of genetically-engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

~ There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

~ Back in the 1800’s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”

~ A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”

One Liner

I’m in a very dark place right now. Not emotionally, just hiding in the closet from my kids.