NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment

AN AFTER-HOLIDAY POEM

‘Twas the month after Christmas, 
And all through the house nothing would fit me, 
Not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! 
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvelous meals I’d prepared; 
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, 
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese 
And the way I’d NEVER said, “No thank you, please.”

As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt 
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt
I said to myself, as I only can “You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, 
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip 
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 
‘Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won’t have a cookie – not even a lick.
I’ll only chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, 
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore.
But isn’t that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

One Liner

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”

“When did these start?”

“Next Thursday.”

One Liner

Kids today have it easy.  When I was a kid there was no Cartoon Network; we got cartoons on Saturday morning.  D’ya hear what I’m saying?!  We had to wait ALL WEEK!!

Gina was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”

“Aha, you’ll know tonight,” answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Gina and handed her a small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly.

There in her hand rested a book entitled: “The Meaning of Dreams.”

One Liner

Christmas might be over, but not the core values we exercise in it. So don’t let go of the kindness, sharing God’s grace, and love shared between friends and family.

FRUITCAKE RECIPE

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks “baked” in the “batter.” Let dry.

6. Take your “fruitcake” out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your “fruitcake” in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the “fruitcake.”

9. Give your “fruitcake” to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they’ll say, “Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!” Don’t forget to smile and say, “Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake.”

10. Don’t worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake … that’s just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won’t go “bad” because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. I’ll buy my own stuff.

CHRISTMAS COOKIE RULES – Part 2

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It’s a rule!

One Liner

How do you get into a reindeer’s house? Ring the deer-bell

Christmas Cookie Rules – part 1

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free (rule #1), yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Dick: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’’ so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

One Liner

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

The Sunday School Christmas play was in full swing, but when the pastor asked, “What was it that guided the wise men from the East?” 

Right on cue the pre-schoolers, each with one large letter in their hands, turned their letters to face the audience. However, the last four kids in the lineup had somehow gotten out of sequence and the answer clearly shown in large bold letters was:

C H R I S T M A S    R A T S 

One Liner

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.             

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM:

7 – Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6 – You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.

5 – You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4 – What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?

3 – Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2 – Okay, whose camel just spit?

1 – All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas