When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.  “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!  That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had!  But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

One Liner

The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is just a whim away, a whim away.

While visiting a water show, a tourist asked one of the divers, “Why do
scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?

To which the diver replied, “If they fell forward, they’d still be in the
boat.”

One Liner

My favorite essential oil is bacon grease.

“I’ve created a new computer that is almost human.”

“You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?”

“No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer.”

One Liner

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do.

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. 

After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One Liner

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?” 

“Thanks,” said the employee. 

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?” 

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.” 

One Liner

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

One Liner

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their
rowboat. Twelve o’clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice
spot on the bank to have lunch. So they head over to the bank to eat.

The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to
the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his
deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the
boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to
his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough
to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The
first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him
where the rocks are?”

One Liner

Be careful or you’ll end up in my sermon.