A West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit.

After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, “Don’t you give out warnings?”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 55.'”

One Liner
Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out, “You have reached your final destination.”

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An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they’d do if
they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. “Alec!”
yelled the teacher, “you’ve done nothing. Why?”

“Because if I had a million dollars, that’s exactly what I would do!”

One Liner
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament. But good players are
really hard to find.

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First man: “I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.”

Second man: “I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”

First man: “Right, that’s the one they’re looking for.”

One Liner
I got fired from my job because I kept asking the customers whether they would prefer “smoking or non-smoking?” Apparently, I should have been asking, “cremation or burial?”

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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, what do ya know?! A talking pig!”

One Liner
If cats could text you back, they would not.

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During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the sergeant reports to the chief, “Sorry sir, but they got away.”

The chief, very disappointed, says, “I told you to cover all exits.”

“I did,” replied the sergeant, “But they got away through the entrance.”

One Liner
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.


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Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.

One Liner
Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.

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+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The woman shot her an angry look, “How dare you talk about your father like that!”

One Liner
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the apartment because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, INSIDE?”

One Liner
It’s good to have self-confidence. It’s even better to have a reason for it.

WASHING A CAT – QUICK & EASY!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
A DOG OWNER

One Liner
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

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WHEN YOU THOUGHT I WASN’T LOOKING

When you thought I wasn’t looking you hung my first painting on the refrigerator, and I wanted to paint another.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you fed a stray cat, and I thought it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you baked a birthday cake just for me, and I knew that little things were special things.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you said a prayer, and I believed there was a God that I could always talk to.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you kissed me good-night, and I felt loved.

When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw tears come from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things hurt–but that it’s all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you smiled, and it made me want to look that pretty, too.

When you thought I wasn’t looking you cared, and I wanted to be everything I could be.

When you thought I wasn’t looking – I looked . . . and wanted to say thanks for all those things you did when you thought I wasn’t looking.

One Liner
You’re only as pretty as you treat people.

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+ A funnel built to CONVERT, & nurture cold leads and close them
 + Automated lead-gen tools (like comment triggers + follow-ups)

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