Two beefy men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them.

As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee was $45.

One Liner

Did you hear about that guy who used to be addicted to soap? He’s clean now.

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard.

At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. “Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?”

One young student put up his hand and said, “If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won’t get worms.”

One Liner

Mosquitoes are the most beautiful singers in the whole world. Even though we don’t like them, we still clap.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions.

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.

Completed my 8k run.

Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.

Sorry, I don’t remember the rest of the dream.

One Liner

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The cowpoke at the dude ranch was getting the crowd to pick the type horse they wanted.  

“For those seasoned riders, we have fast horses. For you novice riders, we have slow horses.”  

A city slicker spoke out, “What if you’ve never ridden a horse?”  

The cowpoke said,  “Great. For you who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden, as well.”

One Liner

Love thy neighbor – sell thy drums. 

DOG’S NOTES TO SELF

~  I will not steal my mom’s underwear and dance all over the backyard with it. 

~  The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad’s laps. 

~  My head does not belong in the refrigerator. 

~  I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for mom’s driver’s license and car registration. 

~  I will not play tug-of-war with dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet. 

~  I will not use “roll around in the dirt” as an option just after getting a bath. 

~  Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello. 

~  I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. 

~  The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn’t mean it is cleaner. 

~  The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.

One Liner

I learned today why Corrie Ten Boom changed her name. She got tired of introducing herself as Corrie Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom Boom.

A guy shows up late for work. 

The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” 

He replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”

One LIner

As you get older, you’ve got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, “Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

One Liner

Anyone who doesn’t know what shampoo tastes like has never bathed a dog.

• What did the maple syrup say to the waffle? “I’m sweet on you.”
• What did the painter say to his wife on Valentine’s Day? I love you with all my art.
• What’s the one flower you should never give on Valentine’s Day? Cauliflower.
• What’s pink, oinks and shoots arrows on Valentine’s Day? Cu-pig.
• What did one rabbit say to the other? “Somebunny loves you.”
• How do farmers celebrate Valentine’s Day? With hogs and kisses.
• What did the stamp say to the envelope? “I’m stuck on you.”
• What did one chemist say to the other? “I’ve got my ion you.”
• Did you hear about the two tennis players that fell in love? It was a courtship.

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE 

*  Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

*  Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

*  Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21)

*  Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10)

*  Go to a party and hide.  When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25)

*  Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24)

*  Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman.  Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.  That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30)

*  Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27)

*  Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17)

*  Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4)

*  When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me.  She’s the one for me.”
(Samson–Judges 14:1-3)

*  Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11)

*  Wait for your brother to die.  Take his widow.  (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.)  (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

*  Don’t be so picky.  Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3)

*  A wife?…NOT? (Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

One Liner

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”