I was the substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were
fighting were brought to me.

They were brothers.

I asked what’s the problem?

The first answered, “He called me ugly!!”

The second one said, “That was after you said I had a face like a frog!”

I tried very hard not to laugh…they were identical twins!

One Liner

Golf balls are like eggs…they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a
week later you have to go out and buy more.

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

One Liner

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined…Wednesday is open Mike night!

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.

“I am!,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”

One Liner

I run a tight shipwreck. I run like the winded.

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.

My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

One Liner

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.

A little boy took his dog on a “take your pet to school” day. There were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the smartest pet.

Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, “Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?”

The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent.

“Right!” exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.

One Liner

The first person to hear a parrot talk was probably not okay for a few days.

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 糎hat happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

One Liner

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.

If you see a fat man who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
then let’s face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!

One Liner

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn’t eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn’t work. A little pleading, to no avail. 

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, “Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You’re not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave.” 

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, “OK. I’ll eat but I have some conditions. First, I’ll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you’ll share with me.” 

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he’d like. “Worms!” said Josh. 

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn’t want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. “Not that many, just one,” yelled Josh as he saw the plate. 

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, “OK, now eat!” 

Josh refused as he sobbed, “No way! You ate my half!”

One Liner

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

FLU NOTES

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?

2. How do you turn off the milkman?

3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?

4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

One Liner

You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof anything will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost – and must have for school within the next ten seconds – will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

One Liner

LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION.