ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don’t listen to naysayers — do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can’t fight or flee — float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don’t miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side. 

One Liner

Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

A member of the church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor’s visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember’s flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, ‘Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday.’

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

One Liner

Dear God: I have a problem. It’s me. 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. 

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. 

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. 

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. 

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. 

Next was a job in a shoe factory – I tried but I just didn’t fit in. 

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. 

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. 

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. 

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!

One Liner

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free.  It means I am literally doing nothing.

THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start
to itch. (Law of Itchiban) 

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Incuranctions So Sorry Law) 

3. When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law) 

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it’s exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed) 

5. The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly
proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell’s Scoop) 

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of O’golly Gee!) 

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.
(The Hair-Wind Principal) 

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Irreversibility) 

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and
if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay) 

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won’t come out
alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

One Liner

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.  

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.  

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.  

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA  

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.  

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human.  

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.  

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA  

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.  

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.  

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.  

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

One Liner

Which letter is silent in “scent” — the C or the S?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used with a man as part of a job interview.

You’re driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she’s about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man/woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box!

One Liner

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half!

APPROPRIATE BABY NAMES

Lawyer’s daughter: Sue

Thief’s son: Rob

Lawyer’s son: Will

Fisherman’s daughter: Annette

Meteorologist’s daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug

Hairdresser’s son: Bob

Gourmet chef’s son: Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician’s son: Mike

Hot dog vendor’s son: Frank

Gambler’s daughter: Bette

Gambler’s son: Chip

Exercise guru’s son: Jim

Astronomer’s daughter: Skye 

Cattle thief’s son: Russell

Painter’s son: Art

Iron worker’s son: Rusty

TV star’s daughter: Emmy

Movie star’s son: Oscar

Barber’s son: Harry 

One Liner

What do you call it when you leave a dollar bill in a pants pocket and it gets washed? Money laundering.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

One Liner

My going-out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on yesterday and they hugged me so tightly I couldn’t move.

My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn’t use it because it wasn’t comfortable for him.

So one night when were were over there, Dad tried putting shims under the recliner feet to change the angle, to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, Grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.

That is forever stuck in my mind as the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.

One Liner

Today I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me for next Wednesday.