A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 糎hat happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.

She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

One Liner

Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular.

If you see a fat man who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
then let’s face it…

Your eggnog’s too strong!

One Liner

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?

Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn’t eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn’t work. A little pleading, to no avail. 

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, “Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You’re not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave.” 

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, “OK. I’ll eat but I have some conditions. First, I’ll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you’ll share with me.” 

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he’d like. “Worms!” said Josh. 

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn’t want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. “Not that many, just one,” yelled Josh as he saw the plate. 

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, “OK, now eat!” 

Josh refused as he sobbed, “No way! You ate my half!”

One Liner

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

FLU NOTES

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?

2. How do you turn off the milkman?

3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?

4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

One Liner

You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof anything will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost – and must have for school within the next ten seconds – will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

One Liner

LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don’t listen to naysayers — do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can’t fight or flee — float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don’t miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side. 

One Liner

Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

A member of the church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor’s visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember’s flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, ‘Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday.’

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

One Liner

Dear God: I have a problem. It’s me. 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. 

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. 

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. 

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. 

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. 

Next was a job in a shoe factory – I tried but I just didn’t fit in. 

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. 

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. 

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. 

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!

One Liner

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free.  It means I am literally doing nothing.

THE 10 LAWS OF LIFE

1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start
to itch. (Law of Itchiban) 

2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Incuranctions So Sorry Law) 

3. When things seem easy to do, it’s because you haven’t followed all the
instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law) 

4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it’s exactly 3.14
times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed) 

5. The probability that one will spill food on one’s clothes is directly
proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell’s Scoop) 

6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of O’golly Gee!) 

7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of ones hairdo.
(The Hair-Wind Principal) 

8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week
later. (Law of Irreversibility) 

9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and
if one arrives late, everyone else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay) 

10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won’t come out
alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)

One Liner

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.  

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.  

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.  

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA  

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.  

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human.  

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.  

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA  

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.  

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.  

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.  

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.