The Top Ten Ways The Bible Would Have Been Different If It Had Been Written By College Students

10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning…cold.

9 The Ten Commandments would be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.

8. A new edition would be written every two years to limit reselling.

7. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.

6. Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s email to abuse@romans.gov

5. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

4. The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.

3. Out go the mules, in comes the mountain bikes.

2. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

One Liner

Which letter is silent in “scent” — the C or the S?

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used with a man as part of a job interview.

You’re driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she’s about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The man/woman of your dreams.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus you should save her first.

Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him/her back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to think outside the box!

One Liner

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half!

APPROPRIATE BABY NAMES

Lawyer’s daughter: Sue

Thief’s son: Rob

Lawyer’s son: Will

Fisherman’s daughter: Annette

Meteorologist’s daughter: Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son: Doug

Hairdresser’s son: Bob

Gourmet chef’s son: Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician’s son: Mike

Hot dog vendor’s son: Frank

Gambler’s daughter: Bette

Gambler’s son: Chip

Exercise guru’s son: Jim

Astronomer’s daughter: Skye 

Cattle thief’s son: Russell

Painter’s son: Art

Iron worker’s son: Rusty

TV star’s daughter: Emmy

Movie star’s son: Oscar

Barber’s son: Harry 

One Liner

What do you call it when you leave a dollar bill in a pants pocket and it gets washed? Money laundering.

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
– Abraham Lincoln

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
– Winston Churchill

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.”
– Stephen Bishop

“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.”
– John Bright

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.”
– Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.”
– Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.”
– Walter Kerr

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?”
– Mark Twain

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.”
– Billy Wilder

One Liner

My going-out clothes have missed me so much. I put them on yesterday and they hugged me so tightly I couldn’t move.

My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn’t use it because it wasn’t comfortable for him.

So one night when were were over there, Dad tried putting shims under the recliner feet to change the angle, to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, Grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.

That is forever stuck in my mind as the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.

One Liner

Today I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me for next Wednesday.

Dear [Interviewer’s Name]: 

Thank you for your letter of [date of rejection letter]. 

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. 

Despite [Firm’s Name]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then. 

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates. 

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

One Liner

I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps, got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what’s going on.

A ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert-like island. 

The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray to God. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island. The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren. 

After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship wrecked nearby, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the island. On the other side of the island, there was nothing. 

Eventually the first man decided to pray for clothes and more food. The next day, all of these were given to him as the belongings from yet another shipwreck were washed ashore. However, the second man still had nothing. 

Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found that overnight a ship had anchored on his side of the island. 

The first man was welcomed aboard the ship along with his wife and he decided to say nothing of the other man, but instead leave him on the island. He considered the other man unworthy to receive God’s blessings since obviously none of his prayers had been answered… 

As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a Voice booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?” 

“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.” 

“You are gravely mistaken!” the Voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, and I answered it. If it were not for his prayers, you would not have received any of MY blessings.” 

“Tell me,” the first man asked, “what did he pray for that I should owe him anything?” 

“He prayed that all your prayers would be answered.”

One Liner

An apology is the best way to have the last word.

CATS & TEENAGERS 

For all of you with teenagers or who have had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats: 

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. 

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. 

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents. 

4. Even if you tell jokes as well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. 

5. No cat or teenager shares your taste in music. 

6. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. 

7. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers live as if they did. 

8. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy — a sense of complete and utter boredom. 

9. Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture. 

10. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. 

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

One Liner

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

A newlywed young man was sitting on the porch on a hot, humid day, sipping iced tea with his father.

As he talked about adult life, marriage, responsibilities, and obligations, the father thoughtfully stirred the ice cubes in his glass and cast a clear, sober look on his son.

“Never forget your friends,” he advised, “they will become more important as you get older.”

“Regardless of how much you love your family and the children you happen to have, you will always need friends. Remember to go out with them occasionally, do activities with them, call them ..”

“What strange advice!” Thought the young man. “I just entered the married world, I am an adult and surely my wife and the family that we will start will be everything I need to make sense of my life.”

Yet he obeyed his father. He kept in touch with his friends and annually increased their number. Over the years, he became aware that his father knew what he was talking about.

Inasmuch as time and nature carry out their designs and mysteries on a man, friends were the bulwarks of his life.

After 60 years of life, here is what he learned:

Time passes.

Life goes on.

Distance separates.

Children grow up and become independent; it breaks the parents’ hearts, but the children become separated from the parents.

Jobs come and go.

Illusions, desires, attraction, sex weaken.

People do not do what they should do.

The heart breaks.

Parents die.

Colleagues forget the favors.

The races are over.

But true friends are always there, no matter how many miles away they are or for how long.

A friend is never more distant than the reach of a need, intervening in your favor, waiting for you with open arms or blessing your life.

When we started this adventure called LIFE, we did not know of the incredible joys or sorrows that were ahead. We did not know how much we would need from each other. Love your parents, take care of your children, and keep a group of good friends too.

One Liner

The best mirror is a good friend. 

AGE IS A FUNNY THING 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 

“How old are you?” 
“I’m 4 and half.” 

You’re never 36 and a half, but you are 4 and a half going on 5! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number. 

“How old are you?” 
“I’m gonna be 16.” 

You could be 12, but you’re gonna be 16. 

And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony–you BECOME 21. YES!!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There’s no fun now. What’s wrong?? What changed??? 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you’re PUSHING 40…stay over there, it’s all slipping away… 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50…my dreams are gone… 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50
and then you MAKE IT to 60…Whew! I didn’t think I’d make it. 

You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
you’re PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50,
you MAKE IT to 60,
and by then you’ve built up so much speed, you HIT 70! 

After that, it’s a day-by-day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. 

I mean my grandmother won’t even buy green bananas: “Well it’s an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one.” 

And it doesn’t end there…into the 90’s, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I’m 100 and a half!! 

Age is a funny thing.

One Liner

Why put off ’til tomorrow what you’ll never do anyway?