A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room. 

“Grandpa, Grandpa!” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!” 

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

One Liner

The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on. 

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”  

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either. 

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged. 

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

Grandma looked out her window and saw Johnnie digging a hole in his back
yard. 

She went out and asked Johnnie what he was doing. He told her he was burying
his parakeet. She said that he was digging a big hole for a little bird. 

Little Johnnie looked at her and said that the bird was in her cat.

One Liner

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Forgive my French” just
after a swear word. I’ll never forget my first day of French Language class.

When I was a girl my momma would send me down to the corner store with $1.00.

I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and 6 eggs. 

You can’t do that now…too many security cameras.

One Liner

When I grow up I’d like to be a retired lottery winner.

Lawyer: “Well Barney, so you want me to defend you? Have you got any money?”

Barney: “No sir. I ain’t got no money, but I do get a 1928 Ford Car!”

Lawyer: “Well you can raise money on that. Now let’s see, just what do they accuse you of stealing?”

Barney: “A 1928 Ford Car.”

One Liner

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

My boss just texted me: “Send me one of your funny jokes!”

I texted him back: “I’m busy working. I’ll send one later.”

“That’s hilarious,” he said. “Send another one!” 

One Liner

I don’t want to adult today. I don’t even want to human today. Today, I will be a dog. I’ll be lying on the floor in the sun. Please pet me and bring snacks.

A young man and a pastor are playing a round together. At a short par 3 the pastor asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?”

The pastor says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One Liner

Jellyfish are just wet ghosts.

KIDS SAY THE FUNNIEST THINGS

“Close the curtains,” requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. “The sun’s looking at me too hard.”

Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, “When I’m tired of being 5.”

Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, “Mommy, it’s raining dumplings!”

As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, “Maybe he thinks you’re surrendering.”

When  a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, “You mean he has a mustache?”

While shampooing her son, 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he’d soon need it cut. He replied, “Maybe we shouldn’t water it so much.”

When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, “I have words in my head I haven’t even used yet.”

His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. “But Mommy,” he gulped, “You already have a little son — me!”

When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, “Guess what? They’re not only twins, they’re brothers!”

One Liner

A teen-aged girl with spiked hair, lip rings and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, “I don’t really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.”

A MESSAGE TO OUR PETS

Dear Dogs and Cats, 

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. 

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run. 

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. 

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

Regards,
Your Owner

One Liner

What do people in China call their good plates?