Jimmy’s mother called out to him at seven in the morning, “Jimmy, get up! It’s time for school.”  

There was no answer. She called again, this time more loudly, “Jimmy get up! It’s time for school.”  

Once more there was no answer. Exasperated, she went to his room and shook him saying, “Jimmy, it’s time to get ready for school.”

He answered, “Mother, I’m not going to school. There are fifteen hundred kids at that school and every one of them hates me.  I’m not going to school.”

“Get to school!” she replied sharply.

“But, Mother, all the teachers hate me, too.  I saw three of them talking the other day and one of them was pointing his finger at me. I know they all hate me, so I’m not going to school,” Jimmy answered.

“Get to school NOW!” his mother demanded again.

“But, Mother, I don’t understand. Why would you want to put me through all of that torture and suffering?” he protested.

“Jimmy, for two good reasons,” she fired back.  “First, you’re forty-two years old. Second, you’re the principal.”

One Liner

I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

Now that I am getting older, I have done my research on retirement. I have found that the average cost for a nursing home is $300.00 per day. I decided that there must be a better way to deal with getting old and feeble yet having my needs met. This is my recommendation:

I have found that I can get a nice room at the local Holiday Inn for $99.00 per day. That leaves $201.00 a day for food (brought directly to you by room service), laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. This cost includes use of a swimming pool, a lounge, a washer and dryer, and a business center with computers and a copy machine plus a free continental breakfast. They provide free shampoo and soap along with toothbrushes, toothpaste, and razors as required. I will have daily maid service and a free USA Today Monday through Friday. When I do decide to eat in the restaurant, I see different people every day, not the same old fogies that I would see in the dining room of a nursing home. If I join their frequent travelers “Priority Club,” I will soon accumulate enough points to get a DVD player or a free trip to Hawaii.

There may be a bit of a wait to get a first floor room, but that’s okay because most of the time it takes months to get into a decent nursing home. The Holiday Inn has a handicapped equipped bus (if you fake a good enough limp), access to a church bus, cabs, and even the regular bus. Occasionally, for a change for lunch or dinner, I can take the airport bus and eat in one of the restaurants there.

Holiday Inn has security at night and if someone sees you fall, they will call an ambulance that should arrive promptly in five to seven minutes, quicker than the time it would take to get medical help to you in a nursing home. They have 24/7 visiting hours. As a bonus, they offer senior discounts. What more can you ask for? 

My conclusion: When I reach those golden retirement years, please help me keep my grin. Just pack my bags and drop me off at our local Holiday Inn. 

One Liner

A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Teacher: “Missouri is the ‘Show ME’ state, Florida is the ‘Sunshine State’. Does any one know the motto of Washington D.C.?” 

Teacher: “No one? Does anyone wish to venture a guess?” 

5th grade student: “Is it the ‘Plausible Deniability’ state?”

One Liner

Dad: “Son, I named you after my father.”
After My Father: “I know, Dad, I know.”

A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.

Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper’s attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.  

After awhile the sailor asks, “What are those three huts you have here?”  

“Well, that’s my house there.”  

“What’s that next hut?” asks the sailor.

“I built that hut to be my church.”

“What about the other hut?”

“Oh, that’s where I used to go to church.”

One Liner

Maybe parenting wasn’t easier a generation ago, but at least kids weren’t using their voice-activated robots to fact-check their parents.

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” she replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “DENVER BRONCOS.”

One Liner

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up…that’s a squat, right?

On a cold day in December, some years ago, a little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold. 

A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window.” 

“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boy’s reply. 

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. 

She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. 

By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair on the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. 

She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.” 

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her, “Are you God’s wife?”

One Liner

Nature never intended for us to pat ourselves on the back. If she had, our hinges would be different.

A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”

The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.

One Liner

Time-saving tip: Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. 

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. 

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.               

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. 

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: 

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

One Liner

Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” 

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?” 

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon. 

“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. 

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?” 

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

One Liner

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination room and said, “Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other side.”

Very quietly, the doctor said, “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”

The doctor was holding the handle of the door. On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said, “Did you notice my dog? He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside.  He knew nothing except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing…I know my Master is there and that is enough.”

One Liner

What your heart possesses, your life expresses.