Two friends were having lunch when one began choking. The other ran quickly behind his friend, yanked down his friend’s trousers, and licked the right butt of his bottom.
The choking man coughed up his food in shock and said, “What was that, man?!”
His friend said, “The hiney-lick maneuver. Works every time!”
One Liner
When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
One Liner
What’s a perfect gift for a person who has everything? Storage space.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:
– The bonbon group
– The salty-snack group
– The caffeine group
– The “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”
One Liner
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
The minister drove his ball into a very deep sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn’t say a word.
Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn’t say a word.
He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.
Finally he muttered, “I’m gonna have to give it up.”
“Golf?” asked the caddie.
“No,” he replied, “the ministry.”
One Liner
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Yes” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”
One Liner
Running feels great, unless you compare it to not running.
When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.
“Oh, you’re four,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”
The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”
One Liner
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.
“It didn’t matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told those guys exactly where to get off.”
“Wow, you musta been something,” the admiring young soldiers remarked. “What was your job in the service?”
“Elevator operator in the Pentagon.”
One Liner
I’m going to live forever, or die trying.
The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”
There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
“I’ll bet that’s why no one was in church today too.”
One Liner
The first rule of passive aggressive club is…You know what, never mind. It’s fine.
Mom: “Eat your breakfast.”
Son: “Why?”
Mom: “You want to grow up to be super smart, don’t you?”
Son: “No. I want to grow up to be like daddy.”
One Liner
Not sure if I’m bad at sleeping or really really really really really really
really really really good at thinking.
HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF CRAZY IN THE WORKPLACE
1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)
2. Ask people to call you “Captain.”
3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
6 Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@c…”
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
8. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
9. Send email messages saying “free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom.” When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
10. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
One Liner
I run like the winded.
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