A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. 

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” 

The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault, sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, “Throwing wide his arms, the father said…”

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

One Liner

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said: “Turn left here.”

One Liner

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.

The dog looked up and said, “Don’t be surprised. This is just part of my job.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the man. “I can’t believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!”

“No, no,” pleaded the dog. “Please don’t! If that man finds out I can talk, he’ll have me answering the phone too!

One Liner

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?  There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.

There was a little boy in Kindergarten. He cried, so the teacher asked him what was wrong. He sobbed “I can’t find my boots.” 

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots “Are these yours?” 

“No, they’re not mine” the boy shook his head. 

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots. Finally, the teacher gave up “Are you SURE those boots are not yours?” 

“I’m sure” the boy sobbed “mine had snow on them.” 

One Liner

Turns out midgets and dwarves have some things in common, but it’s a short list.

TOP 10 THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN 

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One Liner

Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.”  He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

One Liner

STAR TREK on Novocain: To poldly bow air mobius gumby four! 

Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbled across a monastery and requests shelter there.

Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she had ever tasted.

After dinner, she went into the kitchen to thank the chefs. She was met by two of the Brothers.

The first one says, “Hello, I am brother Michael, and this is Brother Charles.”

“I’m very pleased to meet you,” replies the nun. “I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever had. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”

Brother Charles replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”

She turned to the other Brother and says  “then you must be…?”

“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk.”

One Liner

When somebody says “This is a silly, childish game” you can bet somebody else is winning.

A retired man volunteered to entertain the patients in the hospital. He took along his portable keyboard, told some jokes, and sang some funny songs. When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.

One Liner

Why is it when I eat a 2 oz chocolate bar, I always gain a pound…but when I choose NOT to eat the same bar, I don’t lose a pound???