A customer walks into a dress shop and ask, “May I try on that dress in the window?”

The salesperson replies, “We prefer you use the dressing rooms.”

One Liner

Text without context is pretext. 

Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that’s how far behind I am.

One Liner

Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer. 

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds.  He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd’s job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off.  He said that the people of the church were God’s sheep.  Then he asked, “If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?”  (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.)

After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: “Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd.”

The minister, caught by surprise, asked, “Well, then, who am I?”

The boy frowned thoughtfully.  “I guess you must be a sheep dog.”

One Liner

Strangers are friends you haven’t bled for an easy twenty yet.

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the technician, “Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?” 

The tech leaned over the counter and slapped the man’s face. 

The man said “What did you do that for?” 

The tech replied, “Well, you don’t have any hiccups now, do you?” 

The man replied, “I never did. I came in for my wife out in the car.” 

One Liner

I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I’m obviously with the other 40%.

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. 

Now it was question time, and she asked, “My name begins with the letter ‘M’ and I pick up things. What am I?” 

Little Johnny in the front row proudly said, “You’re a mother!” 

One Liner

Adam and Eve must have had a great marriage. Adam couldn’t talk about his Mother’s cooking, and Eve couldn’t mention all the men she could have married.

SO PUNNY

Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds

52 cards: 1 decacards

3.45 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital:  1 I.V. League

One Liner

You can walk around Walmart and eat grapes and nobody bothers you, but as soon as you eat a rotisserie chicken, here comes security.

Johnny asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.

“Yes, I bought her a belt and a bag,” replied Tony.

“That was very kind of you,” Johnny added, “I hope she appreciated the thought.”

Tony smiled as he replied, “So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.”

One Liner

Love may not make the world go ’round, but it certainly makes a lot of people dizzy. 

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday. 

Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness. 

 “What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said. 
 “It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!” 

One Liner
 Kids only want high-technology toys nowadays. My niece has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries. 

 A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. ‘My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’ 
    ‘Well,’ says the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him.’ 
    So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. 
    Finally, he says ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’ 
    ‘What? Because he’s cross-eyed?’ 
    ‘No, because he’s heavy.’ 

One Liner

I’ve gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses. 

The morning of the big parade, a man and a little boy entered a barber shop together. “Give me the full treatment,” the man said. “I want to look good in the parade!”

After the man received a shave, manicure, and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. “I’m going to buy a new tie to wear for the parade,” he said. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

When the boy’s haircut was done and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said, “It looks like your daddy forgot all about you.”

“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy. “He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, “Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!”

One Liner

When it comes to telling her age, she’s shy…about 10 years shy.