Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.

A curious neighbor wandered over and asked – from a distance – if he was going to have a garage sale.

“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”

“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.

“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”

One Liner

When will all the rhetorical questions end? 

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”

One Liner

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time.  His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out.

The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy.

But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right!

A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn’t lean left anymore.

His friend said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”

The guy said: “I stand corrected.”

One Liner

Getting a hair stuck in your mouth has to be a million times more gross when you’re bald.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.

Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

One Liner

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?  Nothing – but it let out a little whine.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”

“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.

“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

One Liner

When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.

LORD, PROP US UP 

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, “Lord, prop us up on our leanin’ side.”

After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently. 

He answered, “Well sir, you see, it’s like this…I got an old barn out back. It’s been there a long time. It’s withstood a lot of weather. It’s gone through a lot of storms, and it’s stood for many years. It’s still standing, but one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit. So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn’t fall. 

“Then I got to thinking ’bout that and how much I was like that old barn. I been around a long time, I’ve withstood a lot of life’s storms, I’ve withstood a lot of bad weather in life, I’ve withstood a lot of hard times, and I’m still standing, too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leanin’ side, ’cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning, at times.”

One Liner

Love is lovely when it’s easy, but much truer when it’s hard. 

My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.

One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.

When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.

Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. “Don’t worry,” he said, obviously distracted, “I’ll delete them in a few minutes.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother asked him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

He said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled and said, “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark. Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called: “Jesus? Would you please hand me the broom?”

One Liner

You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.