A lady lost her handbag.  It was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “That’s funny.   When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”

The boy quickly replied, “Yes. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.

One Liner

Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Tuesday.

The cable installer applicant shows up to the interview 45 minutes late.

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

One Liner

The app that counts my steps asked if I’ve died.

YOU’RE FROM A SMALL TOWN IF:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: “Turn by Nelson’s house, go two blocks past Anderson’s,  and it’s four houses left of the track field.”

~ You can’t help but date a friend’s ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered “trashy” or “snooty,” but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling’s name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

One Liner

I married Mr. Right. I just didn’t know his first name was “Always.”

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, “Rest in Peace.”

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.'”

One Liner

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? Does old sour cream go good? 

She: “Do I look fat?”
He: “…do I look stupid?”

One Liner

Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You are one of them.

I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

One Liner

Do not accept a friend request from Hormel Foods. It could be spam.

Max Greenberg was at his favorite eatery, the Second Avenue Deli, when he called over the waiter.

“Yes?” asked the busy waiter.

“Are you sure you’re the waiter I ordered from?” asked Max.

“Why do you ask?” replied the waiter.

Max replied, “Because I was expecting he would be a much older man by now.”

One Liner

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I’m going to concentrate on getting taller.

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.

My boss asked, “What companies?”

Gas, water and electricity.

One Liner

Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.

The Sunday school teacher asked, “How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?”

All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.

“I’m sorry,” Ronnie replied. “Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school.

One Liner

One minute you’re young and fun – the next, you’re turning down the car stereo to see better.

REASONS WHY FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

~ They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, break down or run out of gas.

~ Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

~ It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

~ The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

~ The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape. 

~ Top speed is only about 45 mph.

~ Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in bodywork, taillights and a windshield.

~ It’s hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

One Liner

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date.