On a wintry day, my 90-year-old father was in the supermarket trying to pay for his groceries. Bundled up against the cold, his gloved hands were having trouble retrieving and counting the exact change. 

The transaction evidently took too long for the man behind him in line, who muttered a curse. 

Dad stopped counting, turned around, and warned, “Be quiet or I’ll write a check.”

One Liner

Shoutout to everyone who can remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember a password they set up yesterday. You are my people.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest? 
No body.

Where does a skeleton go for a fun night? 
Anywhere, as long as it’s a hip joint.

Do you know any skeleton jokes? 
Yes, but you wouldn’t find it very humerus.

One Liner

What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!

A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco’s Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

“Five tickets, please,” the father said. “Two round trip, three one way.”

One Liner

One sign of old age is when you bend down to tie your shoe and ask if there’s anything else you can do while you’re down there.

Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, “I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?” 

His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, “I can make this putt.” 

His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.

One Liner

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.” That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of ignorant.

Mom: “Johnny, it’s your turn to say Grace before dinner.”

Johnny: “But Mom — if I thank God for broccoli, won’t he know I’m lying?”

One Liner

Here I am. Now what are your other two wishes?

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. 

Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket. 

It went in one ear and out the udder. 

One Liner

“Latte” is French for “you paid way too much money for coffee.”

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” 

The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”   

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

One Liner

It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes.  This is NOT the kind of world in which I want to raise my 32 dependents!

Top Seven Reasons Your Pastor Needs a Vacation
7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “All right, listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his smartphone notifications ding, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION 

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

One Liner

When I was a kid I wanted to be older … this is not what I expected.

Little Girl: “Daddy, what do you have to do to become a doctor?”

Daddy: “You have to do well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be.”

Little Girl (after some thought): “What do you have to do to be queen?”

One Liner

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender says, “What can I get you?”

The first vampire says, “I want a pint of blood.”

The second vampire also asks for a pint of blood.

The third vampire says, “I want a pint of plasma.”

The bartender says, “Gotcha.  That’s two bloods and a blood light, comin’ up.”

One Liner

Vampires were created to increase garlic sales.