Little Dewey went fishing with his dad, who had his fishing license on the back of his hat. 

After a while they had caught no fish when Little Dewey offered the following suggestion: “Dad, turn your hat around so the fish can see your license.” 

One Liner

I insist on instant gratification, no matter how long it takes.

When a young man left his dorm and moved into an apartment, he went shopping for cleaning equipment. His cart was loaded with a broom, mop, dust-pan, sponges and a full array of cleaning products.

At the last minute he topped off his cart with a lone food purchase — a large bag of potato chips.

Seeing the checkout clerk’s quizzical look, he explained, “I’m a very messy eater.”

One Liner

Started a new routine this week, doing crunches twice a day: Cap’n in the morning, Nestle’s in the afternoon.

A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

“I want to say that it’s been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you’ve all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a ‘B’ for the test.”

There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, “Anyone else? This is your last chance.”

One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. “I’m glad to see you believe in yourselves,” he said. “You all get ‘A’s.”

One Liner

The app that counts my steps asked me if I’ve died.

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

“Buffy,” she said, “how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?”

“Ten,” said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

“Buffy,” she said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 leftover!”

“Yeah!” said Buffy. “So did I.”

One Liner

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

“That’s impossible,” said the tourist. “No one could throw a coin that far!”

“You have to remember,” answered the guide. “A dollar went a lot farther in those days.”

One Liner

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

One Liner

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, “I’m Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter.” Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, “I’m Jane Sugarbrown.” 

The pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, “Aren’t you Mr. Sugarbrown’s daughter?”   

She replied, “I thought I was, but mother says I’m not.”

One Liner

Just saw on the news where the world champion tongue-twister was arrested. I hope they give the guy a tough sentence.

Lunching with a friend in a fast-food restaurant, I was telling her about a teenager who had rear-ended my car. The teen blamed me for the accident.

“She even called me every dirty name in the book!” I said.

Just then I looked over to the next table where two nine-year-old boys had apparently been paying close attention to my story.

One said to the other, “There’s a book?”

One Liner

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right. The other cups are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor-sharp wit!

My 5-year-old: “Do trees poop?”

Me: “Of course they do, that’s how we get #2 pencils.”

One Liner

I wish I could drop off my body at the gym and come back when it’s ready.

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asked.

The two Aussies just stared at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tried. The two continued to stare.

“Parlare Italiano?”

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?”

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted. When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

“Why?” the other replied. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

One Liner

Overweight: Living beyond your seams.